Hooray, the Big Mac is 40 years old! Our fatty little friend is middle aged now, looking to get a Porsche and a new hot wife.

“The flavors that come together – it’s like heaven in your mouth,” said April Kohlhaas, a 31-year-old Chicago resident. “It’s just tradition, like American comfort food.”

The Big Mac was first introduced in 1967 by Jim Delligatti, a McDonald’s franchise owner in Uniontown, Pa. A year later, it became a staple of McDonald’s menus nationwide.

To celebrate the burger’s anniversary, Delligatti, 89, and his family opened a Big Mac Museum Restaurant this week in North Huntingdon, Pa., full of memorabilia, celebratory exhibits and “the world’s largest Big Mac statue.”

On this day, let us celebrate the Big Mac, triumphing over its own heavy caloric values. It’s truly a testament to humanity that this delicious combination of arterial clogging is still around in our overly protective society today. Here’s some things you can do with a Big Mac today to celebrate its birthday.

–Have sex with one. Truly an amazing feeling. So I hear. From people I’m not friends with.
–Throw one against the wall, see if it flies through the other side, leaving a greasy hole in the wall.
–Put a hat on one, introduce it to coworkers as your lifepartner Juan Carlos.
–Buy one, put it on the floor next to a homeless man. Step on it. Chuckle.
–Take apart the sandwich, licking the sauce and lettuce off the burgers slowly and seductively. Happy Birthday, Mr. Fatty Sandwich.