After polling and speaking to many UM fans about their recent coaching search, Ive compiled a “Coaching Wish-List” in order to accurately portray their reflections of the program.

5.

Bill Belichick
Resume Highlights
-3 Superbowls
-GM/Head Coach of the New England Patriots

This would be a natural progression for Belichick. After leading his team to 3 superbowls and a possible undefeated season, is there a better job out there? You thought “spygate” was cheating, just wait and see what this guy can do on the recruiting trail.

4.

Moses
Resume Highlights
-Led Israelites out of Egypt
-Parted the Red Sea

No challenge is big enough for this great biblical character. Known more for his motivational tactics and success on the field of battle, he would literally jump at the chance to coach UM. The one stumbling block might be in bringing his brother Aaron as assistant. Sources have said that bringing in Aaron could mean the dismissal of Offensive Coordinator Mike DeBord.

3.

Muhammed
Resume Highlights
-Founder of Islam

Doesn’t this seem like a natural fit? I mean, Ann Arbor is the Mecca of college football, so Muhammed wouldnt have to use the Sun as a guidance when prayer time rolls around. He can just lay the rug down anywhere in Schembechler Hall.

*Disclaimer
For fear of death by Muslim terrorists, no picture or caricature of Prophet Muhammed will be displayed on this blog.

2.

King Midas
Resume Highlights
-King of Pessinus
-The “Golden Touch”

Though they are the greatest program in the history of college football, the “Midas Touch” cant do anything but help. In fact, Ron English has been rumored to favor this hiring because he’s hoping that Midas can help him defend the spread offense.

1.

Jesus
Resume Highlights
-Saving mankind from eternal damnation
-Water into Wine

Easily UMs top choice although there are rumors that this wont go over well with the large Jewish contingent. The same man who turned water into wine will scoff at the idea of beating Ohio State. Officials may have to pay his obscenely largue buyout but are unsure of exactly how much it is. When asked about it Jesus said, “Talk to my father about it. He has all the details”.