There are many places I wouldn’t put my face: A bear trap, a pie filled with poison (WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SUCH A DELICIOUSLY CONFUSING TREAT), a bee hive, a bed of needles, Tara Reid’s crotch. Well, you can add “Staring contest with a polar bear” to that list too.

I get it. Flocke the Polar Bear is adorable. I’ve covered her before. Twice! But seriously, I do not want to put my face right next to hers. That’s counterintuitive to anything I’ve ever learned. Primarily that wild animals, no matter how adorable, will absolutely f my shit up if I invade their personal space. It’s totally the opposite of little kids on a playground.

Also it kind of looks like they’re going to make out. If I wanted to mess up my face and smell trout, I’d probably go back on my promise to not put my face in Tara Reid’s crotch.