Polygamists have kind of a bad wrap in this country. And perhaps it’s justified when you consider that one sect is forcing underaged girls into abusive marriages

The scared girl, already a mother at 16, whispered into a cell phone: she wanted out. She’d been forced to marry a man more than three times her age, becoming his seventh wife.

Her husband sexually assaulted her, and when he was angry, he would beat her while other women held her infant, she told a family violence shelter in a series of secret calls that triggered an investigation of the polygamist sect here.

But child welfare officials allege in court documents released Tuesday that the compound built by leaders of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was rife with sexual abuse, with girls spiritually married to much older men as soon as they reached puberty and boys groomed to perpetuate the cycle.

Well, they say if there’s grass on the field, marry it and force it to allow you to play ball all over it while you regularly wander to other fields and play ball there as well, then beat all your fields with phone books and sacks of oranges.

If I were a 1980s comedian, I’d probably say something to the effect of, “I can barely handle my one wife! How can these guys be with four? Seems like four times the amount of someone yelling at me to take out the trash! Am I right? Am I right?” Then I’d snap my suspenders thusly.