I know a guy, his name is Randy.

Randy told me a very, sad story from this weekend and asked me to share it with the readers.

This story is not for the faint of heart. If you are at work, I suggest you wait until you get home as you may get overly emotional. If you still choose to read, please grab some tissues….

Randy was minding his own business Saturday when his girlfriend Terem called him (For privacy purposes we’ve changed both their names).

Terem had been dying to see a movie but Randy was not interested. In fact, Randy just wanted to drink beer and watch sports.

Terem was having none of it and Randy, being a fine man and upstanding citizen finally caved.

“How bad could it be, what are we seeing”, he said.

And then, it happened.

Terem uttered the four words no heterosexual male wants to hear. The four words that, even when whispered, can cause a man to go into violent convulsions.

SEX AND THE CITY

After hearing these words, Randy immediately ran to the nearest toilet and gave himself a swirlie, hoping that the smell of his morning poo would wash away what he just heard.

But alas, it was too late.

Randy called and urged me to come over and end his life.

“Just buy a shotgun and blow my brains out man. Or how about just giving me all that vicodin you have. Make it painless man. I can’t do it. I won’t survive it”

I would not oblige. In hindsight, it was like leaving a fallen comrade on the battlefield. Its something you don’t want to do but sometimes, you just have to.

Randy, upon hearing that none of his friends would save him, attempted to gouge his eyes out. But knowing that he would still be forced to go to the movies even when blinded, he decided against it.

Then he tried to make himself ill.

He ran to the nearest Ponderosa and forced down 10 helpings of mash potatoes, 100 wings, 5 steaks, 20 tacos, and 10 cones of ice cream(he was lactose intolerant) but nothing happened. It was as if Randy’s stomach knew what he was trying to do.

He went to the gas station down the street from his house and started licking the nasty, public toilet seat.

Again, nothing.

And as 9pm closed in and the movie was fast approaching, Randy knew there was nothing else he could do.

And what he didn’t know was that the worse was yet to come……

Stay tuned this week for the conclusion of “The Story of Randy and Terem”