Women, please consider this the Ten Commandments of the Fall Football Season. These commandments are specifically for those women who feel it necessary to watch the game with their boyfriends/husbands.
Disobey any of these commandments and well, you might end up in Hell.
10. In no way shape or form are you to ask a question during game time. You must wait for a commercial to speak.
9. Dress appropriately: If by some chance its just you and me in the house during the game, you may dress in any of the following
a) Jersey of the team I’m rooting for with nothing on underneath
b) A cheerleader outfit
c) Completely Nude
8. Food shall be prepared well in advance of the game. If I have my buddies over, then you need to stock up beforehand. If needs be, a run to the grocery store might be in order. Hurry up. Wings, Pizza, Nachos and bbq are all acceptable. No veggies allowed.
7. You may cheer or root only when others cheer or root. Taking initiative because you think something good has happened is not allowed.
6. If my buddies girlfriends and/or wives come to watch the game, it is your responsibility to keep them in line. If they talk, you need to escort them out and go over these ten rules with them. You may need to get violent to maintain order.
5. If, for some reason, my team loses, you need to stay 50 feet away from me for a minimum of 4 hours. You may not speak in my presence and there must be total silence until I finally gather my emotions
4. Like a movie theater, your phone needs to be shut off completely (no texting). If there is an emergency, I will decide if its important enough to get off the couch and tend to the problem
3. If I fart, you will sit there and enjoy its aroma. You may not get up unless told to.
2. A burp signifies that I am in need of a drink. You have 60 seconds to ask me what I want and retrieve it.
1. If you feel like you cannot handle instructions 2-9, you are ordered to leave the house starting Saturday at 11am and not return until Sunday Night at 11pm. Feel free to stay at your friends house, or your families. If those options are not available, visit the local Soup Kitchen.
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August 29, 2008
#1
The farting one made me spit up my coffee
August 29, 2008
#2
Stern. Stern, but fair. Now, some mandatory guidelines for you, WOI, because we care:
1. Ideally, watch the game by yourself.
2. If you are unable to follow the First Guideline, sit as far away as possible from everyone else you’re watching the game with – for their sole benefit.
3. No touching. I know that either: (a) you were either surprised by a play/call, (b) disagree with a play/call, or (c) think a play/hit was good/bad, but do not grab, slap or punch anyone’s shirt, shoulder, back or arms. Just no touching.
4. Unless you have a specific destination, and are in route to that destination: remain seated at all time. No more standing/jumping on the couch nonsense.
5. Control your volume. Although many of these guidelines may and should be applied to and followed in your everyday, daily life, none more so than this: control your volume. Yelling louder neither makes you more correct, nor turns back time. If you are not at the stadium, they can’t hear you, no matter how hard to try to make them.
6. Begin any and all statements with: “ahh, dude . . . ” This should be an easy one for you.
7. When hungry, be careful: those are your fingers, not candy bars.
8. Take a good look at all of the players on the field: you are neither more athletic than, nor could do better than anyone of them at anything they are doing on the field. The same holds true for you when you were in the seventh grade, when you were a wrestler, before you blew out your knee, or when you used to walk around campus with weights in your backpack.
9. If watching the game in a public place on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon, especially a family friendly place or in any location with a child under the age of 16 within earshot (no matter who they are with): easy on the language. No F words. Period. Not even “fat”; not even “fart.” You cannot be trusted.
10. Titties much.
August 29, 2008
#3
when shaun rogers fats on something, I can guarantee you I can do better than that
stern but fair
and #7 was quality
and #10, well, we love #10
August 29, 2008
#4
Isaac, nice to see you finally writing something amusing, however unrealistic and unlikely it may be
August 29, 2008
#5
I feel sorry for anyone who smells my aroma….my wife refers to it as a “farty party” when I float an air-biscuit…
August 29, 2008
#6
Does anyone have an identity on this blog?
Nice post Isaac. My wife has her jersey ready for tomorrow!
August 30, 2008
#7
what kind of DUDE shit is this?? we are no longer related.
August 30, 2008
#8
monica, I hate to break it to you….but you were adopted
August 30, 2008
#9
i know, i saw the papers hidden in mom’s drawer…
September 2, 2008
#10
I bet that’s not all you found hidden in there.
huh?
HUH???
YEAH!!!!