It’s Rosh Hashanah today, also known as the Jewish New Year. What does that mean (other than that your Jewish coworker, Schmeckel, shouldn’t be off on December 31st or January 1st)? It means it’s a time to look at a few of my favorite Jewish things!

Home decor: Menorah

How do you improve upon a candle? BY MAKING SEVEN OF THEM IN ONE! Man, that’s clever. The “more is more” philosophy is also pretty in line with America’s, I’d say.

Societal convention: Circumcision

Have you seen an uncircumcised penis? It’s all hooded and shady looking. Looks kind of like one of the police drawings of the Unabomber.

Enemy: Mel Gibson

Good to see his hatred for the Jewish people didn’t force him out of a prominent starring roles in Hollywood. *looks at IMDB page… Oh.

Half-Jewess: Scarlett Johansson

She’s allegedly half-Jewish and now married to a Canadian in Ryan Reynolds. If she were full-Jewish, they would have been married six months ago, she’d be done acting, and they’d currently be at Marshalls looking for a good deal on home goods.

Full-Jewess: Sarah Silverman

She’s funny, she writes in Hollywood, and she enjoys a good Holocaust joke. Which would probably make her a bad Jew to many Jews, but a fun Jew for all of us gentiles.

Food: Bagels

They have dough, a hole…what more can you ask for in a meal?

Things they control: It’s a tie! The media and the world’s supply of matzo.

You have to admire how they run the media with such an iron fist but at the same time, they’ve really kept matzo under control. Nary a gentile around would willingly eat that unleavened disaster.

Joke: This one. Below.

Why did the Jews wander the desert for so many years?

Someone dropped a quarter.

It’s funny because why would they wander the desert for a QUARTER?!!?! OH HO HO! I SLAY ME.

Stereotypical performance: Judd Hirsch in Independence Day

Unfortunately I couldn’t find a Youtube, but if you ever want to see a man Jewing it up in the Jewiest way possible, check this out. A performance of a Jewish man this nuanced is typically reserved for 1940s German films.

So happy New Year, my Jewish friends. Let’s all drink sweet wines and be economically sound to celebrate. Hooray!