After seeing that video yesterday where a man punched a teenage girl in the face at a McDonald’s, I got to thinking…McDonald’s is pretty much as wholesome a slice of Americana as we have. Only, not so much when you take a look at some of these perturbing commercials throughout McDonald’s history.

This is supposed to be the first ever McDonald’s commercial, conveniently coinciding with the first appearance of Ronald McDonald. And, with such a stellar debut, you’d think it would have probably been his last.

There’s just something menacing about him in this. Whether it’s the pedophilic voice (and the way he already “knows the kids”), his food hat (never trust anyone in a hat made of food…I’m looking at you, Chiquita Banana), his serial killer make-up, or his dancing alone to a somewhat perturbing jingle, it really hits all the notes. The total package terrifies me. Imagining him yelling at me to eat the hamburgers off of his “magic regenerating burger tray” makes me want to curl up into the fetal position and pray that he just moves onto a more willing victim. And people today say the Burger King is creepy. You kids don’t know how easy you have it.

Into the heart of McDonaldland…

Some research shows that this is one of the first “McDonaldland” commercials, a campaign which debuted in 1971, and it shows. It’s definitely got a 60s feel to it, with the LSD-inspired hamburgers with eyes and french fry plants (perhaps a precursor to the Fry Kids, only they don’t scream when you eat them) and the Beatles’ Yellow Submarine-sounding theme. But at the same time, check out Ronald’s fro. That bad boy is pure 70s Black clown power Dolemite.

Of course, the idea was basically entirely ripped off from H.R. Pufnstuf, leading to a lawsuit that meant shutting down the McDonaldland usage in TV ads. No way Mayor McCheese was pleased…did you see him in there with the McDonaldland Chief of Police? He was all about business, trying to maintain sanity in this crazy crazy world around him.

The Hamburglar touch

The Hamburglar dreams that he could turn everything into hamburgers, which is working out pretty well for him as he just goes around making everything into hamburgers (but not eating them, which seems kind of counterproductive). Eventually, he decides Grimace would make the greatest hamburger of all, but Ronald puts the kibosh on that one. So the Hamburglar accidentally touches his face and becomes a hamburger himself. Since paradoxes greatly confuse the Hamburglar (”How can I steal the hamburger if I am the hamburger?”), he wakes up horrified.

Here’s one thing I never understood. The Hamburglar loves McDonald’s hamburgers, but doesn’t like paying for them. So he turns to a life of crime, solely consisting of hamburger-related theft. In spite of the fact that Ronald seems to always be cockblocking the Hamburglar’s attempts at living up to his name, he and Grimace opt to hang out with him and a plate full of burgers which, presumably, they bought. Why would you tempt him? Even if he’s genuinely your friend, do you hang out with alcoholics and start spraying hoses filled with vodka up into the air? Ronald has a real sinister side to him.

Also for fun: Imagine that this is the diner scene from Heat.

The Grimace has stolen all of our cups.

Turns out that Grimace wasn’t always a friend. His introduction to the viewing public came when he committed a dastardly deed in the form of stealing all of the cups in McDonaldland. Now maybe I’m just less heroic than Ronald, but when a giant blob monster steals all my cups, I’m inclined to let him go. But the discourse between Ronald and the kids went more like this:

“But how will we drink our delicious triple-thick shakes, Ronald?”
“We’re going to have to get the Grimace.”
“Um…he’s an 8 foot-tall monster. We could just drink it straight from the machine, clown. Or even buy new cups.”
“…what did I just say.”
“*in unison* Sorry Ronald.”

Of course Grimace is basically retarded because he is, in fact, a brainless pile of goop, so he falls for some hare-brained lie about a contest and Ronald gets all the cups and shakes are had by all. How Ronald and Grimace became friends after Ronald’s deceit escapes me. How could you ever trust him again?

To McDonald’s credit, they really crammed a lot of plot in there. It was more well-thought out than Two and a Half Men, at least.

McDonald’s: The Musical

This 1970s commercial takes a departure from the usual clown/food-people based angle and offers up an elaborate song and dance from McDonald’s workers of all ethnicities. No diversity of gender though…sorry ladies, but if you want to work closely with fry grease, take your ass to Burger King.

This is a lot like a real McDonald’s experience. Only if you replace the cleanliness with a combination of surliness and fecal matter and end the big gusto-filled ending with you getting a triple bypass. Same difference, really.

Willard Scott gets assimilated into the Ronald McDonald borg

Apparently this was a local commercial airing in the DC area in which Willard Scott, dressed in full Ronald McDonald regalia, hawks Ronald McDonald dolls.

He also laughs like a creep and seemingly enjoys the role a bit too much. Which is fair, I’d say. It’s probably better than the alternative of saying Happy Birthday to decrepit old people who don’t completely know where they are. Or being Dave Thomas.

Welcome aboard, McNuggets

So in 1985, McNuggets are being launched at McDonald’s…how do we celebrate it? By having the most ADD variety show ever. The McNuggets play music, Ronald and Grimace tell jokes, and a good time is seemingly had by all.

My main question was: Who was that pirate asshole who showed up and took a bow even though he contributed nothing to the show. Well, fortunately, Wikipedia has answers.

Captain Crook was a pirate and is similar in appearance to the famed Captain Hook from Peter Pan. Unlike the Hamburglar, this villain spent his time trying to steal Filet-O-Fish sandwiches from citizens of McDonaldland while avoiding being caught by Big Mac, the Chief of police of McDonaldland. As part of the nautical theme of the character, Captain Crook used ships and waterways as means to escape being captured. In his final appearances, he was renamed simply “The Captain” and his character design made less sinister. The character was dropped during the streamlining of the characters in the ’80s.

So he ripped off the Hamburglar’s gimmick but opted to steal the least delicious item on McDonald’s menu. This is why pirates are basically extinct…outside of Somalia.

Meet Lady Ronald McDonald

I’m not breaking new ground when I say that Japan makes some weird commercials and, yes, opening these ads up to the global market probably means that there’s even weirder ones out there. But I’ll tell you this: I am not comfortable with being sexually attracted to someone dressed like Ronald McDonald. I’m just not. And I hate you McDonald’s for confusing my libido so thoroughly.

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For more fast food related fun, you may like the 5 most unsettling moments in the life of the Burger King or Burger King’s creepy print ads.

Any even more egregious ones I missed? Leave it in the comments.