Being a Detroit fan, I’m a veteran of many a Thanksgiving game. Having stopped going to them years ago, I’ve developed a routine of sorts for watching these games. Since the rest of the country has to endure what we in Detroit endure every Sunday, I’ve decided to share my secrets with you….

Without further adieu, I give you

What you’ll need

A loaded shotgun (extra shells)
Tissues
Two cases of beer
A liter of hard liquor
A noose
A tree with preferably strong branches
IV Needles
Portable toilet
Change of clothes
Porno Mags
DVD of Waterworld
Ice Pack
Polaroid camera

Pre-game

Drink about 4/5 beers an hour before game time. This quells any delusions of grandeur you might have that the Lions may actually pull out the Thanksgiving miracle. It also makes you belligerent enough to the rest of my family that nobody will ask dumb questions during the game without you ripping their head off.

About 10 minutes before the game, polish your shotgun. Like I’ve always told people, if you’re going to go out, go out with a clean gun.

1st quarter

The Lions take their opening drive for a touchdown. You are stunned beyond belief. The beers haven’t settled in yet so you proclaim that the Lions are really only about 2-3 plays away from being a solid football team. “This team should be 8-3″ you text your friends. “See I told you” they were good.

10 min later…

-Without much trouble the Titans take their opening play from scrimmage for a touchdown and recover a Lions fumbled kickoff for a score as well.

Titans 14
Lions 7

-You receive 20 text messages from your anti-Lions friends with such remarks like

“Loser”
“I told you so”
“Your team licks my taint”

-You take your 1995 playboy with Pam Anderson on the cover to the bathroom and try to lick your wounds

2nd quarter

-You’ve passed out drunk and peed yourself already. You’ve missed more than 1/2 the second quarter and look to find the Lions down 28-7.

-You cry uncontrollably as you realize that now only are the Lions a disaster, but you probably are as well

-You pop in your DVD of Waterworld and laugh hysterically. Because as bad as the Lions are, nothing compares to those stretch of movies Kevin Costner made.

Titans 28
Lions 7

Halftime

While the rest of the family is outside enjoying the weather, you intravenously siphon out the grease from the Turkey your mom is making. As much as you’d like to black out drunk, it wasn’t working so you figure giving yourself an early heart attack from grease directly into your veins is your best bet.

3rd quarter

As the Lions intercept a pass and take it down to the Titans 1 yard line, you scream at the top of your lungs. You turn to the nearest family member and slur “I guranteee dey don’t score”

Oddly enough, the Lions fumble on the next play and the Titans return it for 99 yards the other way. The longest play in Thanksgiving day history. You’re so angry and frustrated that you trip getting out of your chair and hit your eye on the corner of the coffee table. Your mom hands you your ice pack.

Titans 42
Lions 7

4th quarter

You’ve resigned yourself to the Lions losing this game as Rod Marinelli opts to kick a field goal down 35. The boom mic on the sideline catches Rod telling his players that “his will is outstanding”.

You punch yourself in the other eye as hard as humanly possible to balance out your other black eye. You switch the ice pack to the other side.

Titans 42
Lions 10

The Titans return the ensuing kickoff for a 109 yard touchdown. The longest in NFL history. At the same time, the turkey grease is kicking in and you run to the bathroom.

15 min later…

After unloading the greatest Thanksgiving dump of your lifetime, you stare into the toilet and look at your work. You remark that its eerily reminiscent to a Lions Thanksgiving day debacle.

With 2 min to go in the game, you’re drunk, bloated and angry. You’ve peed on yourself, you have two black eyes and you’re a family embarrassment.

You head out to the yard with your noose and attempt to kill yourself. As you strap yourself up to the branch and start the process, you kick your legs out trying to speed it up.

This causes the branch to snap in half and sends you tumbling down 10 feet breaking your leg. A crow passes by, looks at how much of a suck you are, and poo’s on your face.

Post Game

As you sit there for dinner with the rest of the family, you wonder what happened. All of them are staring at you and there are empty seats between you and everybody else. You are asked to say grace before the meal.

God,

Thank you for this meal and for those who prepared it. Thank you also for teaching me humility by making me a Detroit Lions fan. You must really hate me God.

(you start screaming)

Why the F$%# would you make me a Lions fan? What F$%#is wrong with you man?

Amen.

Bloodied, battered, shat on, drunk, and on crutches you return home. You sit down in front of the TV, turn on ESPN, and watch highlights from the game. You grab your Polaroid camera and take a picture of yourself. You reach for the album underneath the coffee table, take the picture and stick it on the page that says 2008 and close the album.

You don’t need to be reminded about the previous years Thanksgiving. Oddly enough, they all seem the same.