Having problems picking up women? Well fortunately, some little f’ing kid is getting attention for some retarded f’ing book he wrote about how to pick up women. Ugh.

He’s only 9, but this pint-sized pickup artist already knows plenty about pleasing the ladies.

So much, in fact, that Alec Greven’s dating primer, “How to Talk to Girls” – which began as a handwritten, $3 pamphlet sold at his school book fair – hit the shelves nationwide last week.

“It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewelry,” he writes in Chapter Three.

“Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil.”

He advises, “The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don’t let them get to you.”

But with classic plain-spoken advice – like “comb your hair and don’t wear sweats” – it’s no surprise his 46-page book was a hit with boys and girls of all ages.

He believes the best way to approach a girl is to keep it to a simple “hi.”

“If I say hi and you say hi back, we’re probably off to a good start,” he said.

In his book, published by HarperCollins, he suggests holding off on falling in love until at least middle school.

Dating – which he defines as going out to dinner without your parents – is for “kind of old” people, who are 15 or 16.

I get that it’s f’ing adorable that a 9 year-old boy is giving an “outsider’s perspective” on dating through the naive eyes of a child, but holy f’ing crap is this the dumbest thing I’ve ever read. You know what this is? The kind of crap that women read about and go, “Oh how adorable!” and then they tell their stupid friends and then maybe some female editor reads the book and goes “Oh that is so adorable, we can totally publish this and promote it!” Then this little fer gets on Ellen DeGeneres’s TV show and whatever other “legitimate media” outlets because he’s nine years old and instead of killing squirrels or rolling around in dirt or whatever the f kids do, he wrote a 40 page book which probably has pictures of stick figures and poorly constructed sentences. If it were up to this kid, I’d be dating ugly women who are poorly colored in crayon with tails and crap.

You want to know how to pick up women? Treat them slightly craptily but with a smile on your face so they know it’s a joke. Also be handsome. Ta da. There’s the secret. Seriously the only time you should take advice from a 9 year-old boy is when he’s telling you that he won’t get in your van for anything less than a Snickers and even then, that’s not really advice, that’s just sound negotiation tactics.

Seriously can someone offer me a freaking book deal already before I end up punching a 9 year-old? Or every 9 year-old as some sort of comeuppance for this atrocity? I’m pretty flexible with how I extract my revenge.

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