I’m a guy but I think Barbie’s pretty awesome. Blond hair, doesn’t need to eat, nice boobs, she seems like a great deal. But having been around penetrating girls’ sanity for like a century, Mattel has made some missteps with the doll. Here are the big (absurd) ones.

In 1965, Mattel came out with Slumber Party Barbie. Along with the Barbie doll, the package also came with pink fuzzy bathroom slippers, a scale that read 110 pounds, and a book entitled: “How to Lose Weight” whose contents read, in entirety, “Don’t Eat” (it was much easier to get a book deal in 1965). Apparently that upset some folks for A) Saying the fact that you weigh 110 pounds means you still need to lose weight, B) For a book telling girls not to eat, and C) Expecting girls to know how to read books.

1992 saw a lot of crazy things…Presidential candidates playing saxophone on shows where the host encourages viewers to bark loudly and, more importantly, Teen Talk Barbie. And while Barbie said traditional vacuous stuff like “Will I ever have enough clothes?” or “Wanna have a pizza party?” (ignore the fact if Barbie ate anything other than dried lettuce she couldn’t keep her sexy body), she made an uproar when one of her phrases was “Math class is tough!” The American Association of University Women bashed Barbie and Mattel for implying girls couldn’t do math. Then they went back to braiding their hair and asking daddy for a pony, I’d assume.

Ken has always been Barbie’s man of choice even though people, most notably hacky comedians, always speculated that Ken might enjoy the company of other gentlemen more than Barbie. Well, that speculation really came to a head when Ken decided to prance around in the outfit pictured above as “Earring Magic Ken”. Now sure, he just seems like a regular Joe, just hanging out, being a man in his purple mesh shirt and vest. But note the ring object around his neck…yes folks, it appears to be a chrome cock ring. In fact, the doll was so gay that it became the highest selling Ken doll in Mattel history, primarily due to its kitsch appeal amongst gay men and Asian guys in need of cock rings.

Barbie was always kind of a whore for cross-promotion, be it for the WNBA or Nascar or Beastiality so 1997’s Barbie partnership with Oreo seemed pretty run of the mill. Only, since Mattel always makes a white Barbie and a black Barbie since political correctness set in, having a black doll that says “Oreo” on the front (”Oreo” being a phrase that says a black person is “black on the outside but white on the inside”) may have sent the wrong message. The doll was pulled from the shelves and that cartoon Chips Ahoy guy was beaten violently during a protest rally to send a message to Nabisco.

1997 proved to be a shitty year for Barbie when Mattel released a new doll called “Share a Smile Becky”, which came complete with a pink wheelchair. They probably all patted themselves on the back for that one…that is until a 17 year-old girl with cerebral palsy tried to put the doll in Barbie’s Dream House and couldn’t get its wheelchair through the doorway. Mattel would fix the problem in future Barbie homes rather than fessing up to the simple belief they held that said that disabled people should live their lives in Barbie’s garage with her car since disabled people in wheelchairs are all basically like Transformers anyway.

In 2003, Saudi Arabia proved its dedication to being pro-women by banning Barbie dolls in its country. The progressively-named Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice had the following to say (stunner, they blame the Jews):

“Jewish Barbie dolls, with their revealing clothes and shameful postures, accessories and tools are a symbol of decadence to the perverted West. Let us beware of her dangers and be careful.”

Middle Eastern girls didn’t have to go dollless for long though, as a doll designed solely for them called “Fulla” soon hit the streets. The doll was a huge success, making hundreds of millions of sanddollars. And she even comes with her own burka! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a doll and been like, “Darnit I wish her whorish calves weren’t exposed.” Well, problem solved!

Thanks to some Barbie-lover at Western Michigan for the jumping off point.

—

Like toys? Check out the 7 most delightfully perverse toy commercials or 9 wholly unnecessary licensed children’s products. Barbie demands it.