I’m not good at predictions, I barely understand how betting lines work, and I eat and drink heavily during the games. So instead of giving you half-hearted lousy pick-ems, WOI brings in some talent off the bench.

Who needs a little extra dough for Christmas shopping? You do. Well, what better way to earn it than sitting through some white-knucklers in Week 14? If you should happen to lose a few, don’t worry, your GF didn’t need that necklace anyway. It was the thought that counts. Here we go with the picks:

1. Atlanta Falcons +3 at New Orleans (Atlanta & Over 51.5)

Atlanta is playing for their playoff lives. With Carolina hosting Tampa Bay on MNF, a win would propel Atlanta to a first place tie in the NFC South. Consider it done. For the double dip in this game, pick the over too. Warmlanta’s offense has been clicking, N.O. has NO defense and Drew Brees will throw it ’til the cows come home. Moooooo. The pick:

Sizzlinglanta 34
Cool Brees 28

2. Houston Texans at Green Bay Packers -6 (Green Bay)

Houston had a short week following the MNF snoozefest against Jacksonville. Green Bay has been Green Bad over the past month, but there is no better medicine than a warm weather team coming into Lambeau. On Sunday, it’ll feel like it’s seven below. Houston will be the chicken soup that the Packers need. The pick:

Mr. Rodgers 24
Mr. Schaub 17

3. Miami Dolphins +1 vs. Buffalo (Miami)

Warm weather team + 15 degrees Fahrenheit + the Ralph Wilson Stadium home field advantage = Bills win. Wait, what? They’re playing this game inside in Toronto? The NFL stole a home game from them in December? Oh ok, at least they will be wearing their home navy blues. At least Bills fans can take solace in that. Not. It’ll be sunny and 70 in the dome. The pick:

70 & Sunny 27
15 & Snowy 23

4. New York Jets -4 at San Francisco 49ers (NYJ)

Have you ever been to Cold Stone Creamery? You know, the place with the overpriced glorified Blizzard? It’s the place that names their sizes “Like it”, “Love it” and “Wanna marry it”. Ok, maybe just like it and love it. Well, for this game, I’ll take the “Love it” Jets. The pick:

NY Bretts 28
SF Danny Tanners (hey, he lived in SF) 10

5. New England Patriots -4 at Seattle Seahawks (NE)

Bill Belichick is to the NFL as Spencer Pratt is to the world. Really, I couldn’t be more sick of looking at either of them. I want to see someone yank Spencer around by his beard and I want see someone sew sleeves on Belichick’s hoody. By the way, since when did hooded sweatshirts become hoodies? I’ll take the Patriots giving the four and Heidi Montag and her fake boobies. The pick:

Red Sawx 31
Mariners 17