This is literally the worst news to come out of the recession yet, and I’m including the fictional story I crafted about a father of a family of seven blowing his boss in order to not get fired (it was a feel good story): Breast implants are falling due to overall brokeness.

The bigger-boob business has gone bust.

With the stock market in a tailspin and home values dropping, demand for breast implants is sagging too, city docs say.

“The number of the bigger surgeries has gone down for sure,” said Dr. David Shafer, a Manhattan plastic surgeon. Breast enlargement surgery can cost anywhere from $4,000 to more than $10,000.

“People are definitely thinking twice right now,” said Dr. Sydney Coleman, another Manhattan surgeon. He said his colleagues in the lucrative field are starting to feel the pinch. “They’re complaining about it,” he said, “and they don’t usually complain.”

“If the procedure is purely esthetic, it’s definitely down,” said Dr. Sydney Coleman, whose Manhattan practice does both esthetic and reconstructive surgery.

This is so depressing. You never really understand the problems with the economy until it really hits home and this is one of those situations. Every time I see a flat chested woman, I’ll shed a single tear like a Native American seeing trash on the ground. Or I’ll just iron my clothes on the front of her body. Either way, I think she and I will both learn a little lesson about the economy and how to correct God’s errors.

In related news, I’m taking up a collection to fund women’s breast implants. It will be appropriated to those in need primarily through me shoving dollar bills into the underwear of women dancing on stages, but it’s really going to make a difference. Also, it’ll probably already go to women who have implants because they’re just better than those without. Maybe it’ll encourage the flat chested girls to work a little harder. So everybody wins.

[source...More Lohan in a bikini here]