I think I have to post this or my Internet license is taken away (the punishment is the “What what in the butt” guy coming and kicking you in the crotch, I believe)…from last night’s Super Bowl: Bruce Springsteen’s balls smash into a camera.

That was easily the most exciting moment of the night other than the referees going “Hey, you know what, I’m wondering if people will notice if I just give a handjob to the Pittsburgh Steelers players in the middle of the game” pretty much perpetually throughout all four quarters. Seriously, I was into the end zone about as much as the Steelers’ James Harrison was at the end of the first half. And no, that’s not a sodomy joke. Though it could (should?) be.

Back to Bruce Springsteen, I haven’t had an old man’s balls bounce into my face quite so vigorously during the Super Bowl since we watched the game at my Uncle Ted’s house as a child. I don’t entirely remember because I would often black out after drinking some of his “Kid Punch,” but I’m pretty sure that no matter what the coin flip said, everything at Uncle Ted’s always came up “heads”. Because he molested young boys, primarily. Just want to make sure we’re on the same page here.