From some store opening in NYC over the weekend…

People are saying that Lindsay Lohan looks scarily skinny. In fact, a reporter at this event (an opening of the Matthew Williamson store in NYC) asked if Lindsay was eating at all to which she replied, “I just ate a Big Mac yesterday.” So maybe we should stop worrying about how thin she is and start admiring the fact that her metabolism is faster than seven Kenyans pulled by a team of Clydesdales. Lindsay Lohan is the perfect woman, as defined by me when I was 7 years old. I remember it vividly. I was in my 2nd grade art class and our teacher said, “Draw your future husband or wife.” I chose wife instead of husband because at 7 I didn’t find cock to be particularly delicious. And the woman I drew looked vaguely like Lindsay Lohan above. It was a stick figure with breasts the size of her head. And it was the happiest I’ve ever been.

Anyway kudos to you Lindsay Lohan because you are what every woman should aspire to. Physically. Not emotionally. I’d rather have gophers burrow into my ear drum than listen to Lindsay Lohan wax philosophically about dumb shit like how pennies aren’t shiny and shoes can bring happiness to AIDS sufferers.