From the announcement of nominees for the Annual Academy of Country Music Awards (also known as the Confederacy).

Jessica Simpson was forced to appear in public to present the nominees and hiding behind the podium worked about as well for her as King Kong hiding behind the Empire State building. She looks really big and happy which is awesome for her but terrible for me because I’d like to f a fat Jessica Simpson about as much as I’d like to rub a cheese grater on my balls. I guess I’d still do her out of a sense of obligation to old Jessica Simpson, but fantasizing about her being an old version of herself while boning her would probably be the first time a man has fantasized about the woman he’s f’ing while in the actual act. And it’d open up some sort of time travel portal or wormhole. Which would just be awkward because I’d get sucked through and then she’d just get stuck in the hole and I’d have to rub butter on her and she’d just keep licking it off while I get frustrated. God my fantasies suck.