Girl Scouts are so adorable with their cookie sales but, unfortunately, whenever you want one, they’re nowhere to be found unless you’re guest starring on a Chris Hansen special.

I’m going to ignore the slutty Girl Scout costumes because, pedophilia aside, there’s something sexy about a hot adult woman dressed like a younger girl (though I guess there’s no way that’s not rooted some way in a creepy-ish “young girl” fetish). But nonetheless, I’m not entirely sure how a speculum would come into play with Girl Scout cookies. Unless the cookie is a euphemism for cooch. In which case, you’re a dirty little online sales store, Amazon.

The only time you’d need a speculum with Girl Scouts is when they’re muling drugs in for you and holding out on the stash. Then the speculums come out, as does a live feed of one of your associates holding a large knife to the head of her My Little Pony dolls. If you didn’t want to deal with the realities of the drug game, you shouldn’t have gotten kidnapped by those Mexican banditos outside of gymnastics practice. Now you know.

[original Amazon search here]