If you were a nubile young man in 1909, you might have seen anti-liquor posters like this. Your reaction may not be what they intended.

Ironically, the only way you would ever want to f one of these beasts is if you were kneedeep in moonshine. God the early 1900s sucked. Women didn’t f and they looked like this, everyone was poor, the Irish were everywhere, and odds are you’d end up with polio. And I’m pretty sure color didn’t exist back then from what I can tell from all of the old photos and videos. How could I entertain everyone with my spinning red bow tie? Savages.

And this is why a time machine will lead you to nothing but problems. You’d probably be all excited if you had one, then go back in the past and go, “Wait, why doesn’t my iPhone work?” And the answer is probably AT&T’s shitty reception if you went back anywhere in the past two years. Or, if you go back further in time, because where cell-phone towers are now, lynching trees were. And you’d be shocked to learn that racially oppressed black men don’t generate cell-phone signals as well as you’d think (which is why early designs for the cell-phone antenna quickly switched to plastic or metal rods from their severed black penises). To science!