I think it’s safe to say that the Japanese are better than us at everything, safe for penis size and killing gargantuan monsters (Godzilla: thousands of sequels, Cloverfield: none). So it should come as no shock that they’ve kicked our ass at one thing we rule at…getting fat by eating hamburgers in even more creative ways than ordering them through a clown’s mouth.

I wish magic were real. I mean, this guy is a really talented trickster, but you realize that he had to basically carry around hamburgers in his pockets for a while, right? And if he’s a low-rent magician, that means that he just carried around hamburgers on a train ride for hours then had to eat one. Yeah, the magic’s much less cool when you have to force rotting meat down your throat. Like did you know that there’s another human being behind the wall of a glory hole? It’s not magic at all, no matter what that guy with the wispy mustache and transition-lensed glasses told me.