I’m thinking there’s no good time to fight a huge python but if there’s a worst possible time, it’s probably when you’re unarmed in Kenya. Unless you’re this dude, who apparently fought a python off for THREE HOURS.

A Kenyan man bit a python which wrapped him in its coils and dragged him up a tree during a fierce three-hour struggle, police have told the BBC.

The serpent seized farm worker Ben Nyaumbe in the Malindi area of Kenya’s Indian Ocean coast at the weekend.

Mr Nyaumbe bit the snake on the tip of the tail during the exhausting battle in the village of Sabaki.

Police rescued Mr Nyaumbe and captured the 13ft (4m) reptile, before taking it to a sanctuary, but it later escaped.

The victim told police he managed to reach his mobile phone from his pocket to raise the alarm when the python momentarily eased its grip after hauling him up a tree on Saturday evening.

Mr Nyaumbe used his shirt to smother the snake’s head and prevent it from swallowing him.

I get that this guy was fighting for his life and I get that I have the attention span of a coked up ferret, but there’s no way I could even do this. I don’t even think I could have sex with a supermodel for three hours, let alone survive against some 10 foot long beast with just smoke and mirrors.

Snakes are kind of assholes though. Do they really do anything good for us, like some ecological benefit or something? All I ever hear about with snakes is how they’re strangling someone or swallowing something whole or tricking some poor retarded woman who was born from a rib into eating an apple. Snakes don’t even hawk cool products like cigarettes or condoms or preschool learning toys. So basically, the next time you see a snake, slap it in the face and tell him his bullshit won’t stand any more. He’ll probably be like, “What the f dude? That hurt.” Or bite you and inject venom into you. Either way…point made.

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