In the worst news I’ve ever heard in my life, a porn company is offering $1 million to Britain’s Got Talent star Susan Boyle to make a video in which she loses her virginity.

Perhaps the most horrific image I’ve ever posted here, via

According to a press release from porn company KickAss Pictures, the company is offering $1 mil for the rights to the 47 year-old budding star’s hymen. Quotes from KickAss president Mark Kukilis:

“The logical extension of that statement is that she’s still a virgin. We have always wanted to produce a movie in which a bona fide virgin loses her maidenhood on camera. That’s a very personal, intimate moment in a woman’s life. Doing it in front of bright lights and cameras in a San Fernando Valley studio will make it that much more special.”

“We want real sexual chemistry. Since we have no way of knowing what Susan’s ‘type’ is, we’ll introduce her to a variety of gentlemen of different races, ages and um, ‘endowments.’ Personally, I think she and Ron Jeremy would be a perfect match.”

Yes, because they both look like beached orcas with Chia mustaches (though Susan’s seems to be falling upwards to the brow area). I get that this is the new thing porn companies want to do, but what’s keeping this woman from doing it? It’s not like she has anything else and, while her singing is lovely, she’s really just mediocre by professional singer standards. She also seems somewhat developmentally challenged (though that might just be a result of being Scottish). So you combine all these factors and the fact that, really, what man is going to find a 47 year-old who looks like this, recording deal or not, to be a catch? All of this results in the simple logic that, hey, why not take that deepdicking?

In related news, I’d rather have my head cut off and be forced to watch myself get raped by the al Qaeda basketball team (they’re a powerhouse within the terrorist intramural circuit) than sit down and watch this potential porn. I’d be more likely to get off by accidentally sitting on an upright wiffleball bat.