Everyone loves porn. In fact, the odds are that you’re watching pornography right now, stroking to something in the background while reading me. Which kind of turns me on, it’s a vicious cycle. Anyway according to a professor who studies such things, porn is, how do you say, not so good.

A University of Texas professor condemned pornography as the depraved and even apocalyptic embodiment of society’s ills at last night’s kick-off event for the annual “Take Back the Night” movement created to support survivors of sexual violence.

“Pornography is what the end of the world looks like,” said professor Robert W. Jensen, who blamed capitalism, white supremacy, and racism for the spread of increasingly violent heterosexual pornography.

Jensen said that pornography becomes increasingly violent, racially charged, and degrading towards women to increase profit by appealing to capitalist consumers.

Jensen then asked everyone who’s masturbated to porn in the last 48 hours to stand up and walk to the front of the class.

“How about in the last ten minutes?” a male student quipped in response.

I’ve heard this argument from feminist types before and went, “Ha she’s probably just ovulating or something,” then high-fived some nearby man and went, “Am I right?” But hearing these things coming from a man just seems to hurt a bit more. Not that it makes it any more valid or not, but I just feel like I’ve been sold out since he’s turning on our people. Yes, men often watch entirely too much pornography. But that doesn’t mean that I’m mere moments away from slapping my woman and making her choke on my genitals until she vomits (unless she really needs help with her bulimia, I guess).

Here’s my stance: What you do in sex is whatever. Yes, it’s totally natural to be creeped out if you find out your significant other likes to jerk off to women’s feet stomping on grapes, but it’s sex…it’s a release. It’s detached from reality. I don’t think that my wanting to leave a batch on my girlfriend’s face makes her any less of a human. If anything, I’ve made her more of a human by bathing her in my DNA. All I’m saying is don’t be shocked when you find out all my ex-girlfriends end up never getting cancer or wind up with superpowers from the amounts of stem cells I’ve doused them in. It’s practically scientific.

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