When I was 8 years old, I dreamed of the day I’d be able to dunk a basketball. Soaring majestically towards the rim with my tongue out ala the Original #23; I would finally be like Mike. Six years and two feet of growth later, I finally lived my dream. The kids in these videos decided they couldn’t wait that long and found a way to expedite the dunking process. Why wait to grow two feet, when you have a perfectly good roof to jump off of.

So what separates my dunking prowess and the dunking prowess of the kids in these videos?

The ability to walk without the use of crutches.

Really? What the hell are we teaching kids in school these days? Because watching this, I can safely assume it’s not physics. I’m truly concerned for the youth of America. I do enjoy the fact that they lay a single pink deckchair cushion out to lessen the blow of his fall. Immaculate planning always leads to shin shattering dunking. But you gotta admit, he just gets up and does it again; and we have to remember that it wasn’t brains that got America to where it was today, but the willingness to dust ourselves off and try again until we get it right…or simultaneously snap our fibulas.

I cannot stress this enough: When you find yourself on the roof in a game of basketball, you need to stop and look around because something has gone terribly, terribly wrong.

First of all, one must remember that when playing the sport of basketball, a basketball isn’t simply an option, it’s an imperative. Otherwise you’re just jumping off the roof like a God damn moron.

If you notice in front of the garage, the ladder has been taken down, which is probably so the guy doesn’t pussy out and not jump off the roof. “Only one way down Chief, and that’s nuts to rim to ground.”

I give these kids credit though; they had the good sense to use two cameras in order to capture this monumental failure on tape. It’ll be totally worth it when they show him. Of course, he’ll have to come out of that coma first. A+ for production value. F- for execution.

What’s the difference between the owner of an above ground swimming pool owner and a below ground swimming pool owner? Answer: About 50 IQ points.

What’s dumber than 12 year olds jumping off the roof to dunk? When dad does it! But as one can clearly see, he has the good sense to do so into the pool. That’s a good note to all kids thinking about roof dunking at home: If you’re going to jump off the roof, at least do so into the pool. And if you listen closely in the video you can clearly hear a child say, “I want to jump off the roof.” That’s not just a great dunk–it’s also a great example of parenting you’re setting there, Oprah…

Something things you probably don’t want to be asking when you are getting ready to dunk a basketball are:

“Can you hear me?”
“Can you see me?”
“How about now?”
“No”
“OK, I’m gonna go for it.”

When getting ready to dunk a basketball, your dialogue should not mirror that of a Verizon commercial.

Ha ha ha. I’ve got a joke for you? What’s white and dumb and can’t sit down? The kid that broke his tailbone in this video! And his friend wasted no time hitting him directly in the face with another basketball! Ahh, I’ll never fully understand British humour.

FAIL.

OK, now you’re not even trying.

FINALLY! That was AWESOME. And into a below ground pool with more than 3 feet of water in it! You win, guy who 360 dunked off the roof. You are today’s winner of the gold medal of Roof Dunkification. Congratulations on your prize of not dying!

The lesson here is that roof dunking is simply Darwinism in action. And let me remind the people at home that you SHOULD NOT try this at home.

However, if you wanted a real challenge…

Written by new BOH contributor Shawn, whom you can follow on Twitter here. Show him some love if you like his work and, if you don’t, stop being such a dick.