I watch the television show LOST. In my mind, that means I know everything there is to know about living on an Island in the South Pacific; and yes, that includes reincarnation, dealing with the Smoke Monster and those velociraptors that almost outsmarted those moron kids in the documentary Jurassic Park. Safe to say that I could survive by myself, but I thought about a perfect scenario for this and here is what I came up with.

First rule would be take all the cell phones and tell the women that you’re going to try and find a spot on the island that gets reception. Then when you’re out of sight, just dump them all in the water. Nobody is going to need those. The women on the island with you have the necessary skills to keep you alive and happy on even the smallest island. So if you’re for some reason stranded in the South Pacific and these 7 women are there with you, you’re probably going to want to just wait it out because you’re currently living on Fantasy Island.

Sarah Silverman – I’m imagining things get pretty boring when out on an island with no television or iPhones (you dumped those in the ocean, remember) and there are only so many Spongebob Squarepants episodes you can act out with a dead starfish and half a flip-flop before the medium becomes stale. You’re going to want someone funny to tell stories and entertain you, and with a repertoire of humor that spans the comedy gamut from semi-racist rants , to society hating sketches, and even delving into Matt Damon copulating music videos, you know Sarah Silverman would probably keep you laughing until the rescue team arrived. Or you would become offended that you decided to swim for it. Probably depends on what side of the fence you sit on.

Plus, she’s hot.

Karri Byron from Mythbusters – She can build just about anything out of just about anything. I figure with a pocketknife and a couple toothpicks, she’d be able to build a boat and sail your asses right off the island (Take that Gilligan!) And for those of you that think she’d need tools to be effective…she could probably build a good deal of those too. Kari has built a jetpack out of two liter bottles, she’s tested treating a jellyfish sting with vodka (Take that Dudley Moore!) and she has done not one, but two separate episodes about Jaws. All three of those things are going to come in handy on an island surrounded by water. Plus, Mythbusters has proved she’s a good shot with many different guns and loves to blow things up. She’s the Jill of all trades and possibly the most valuable woman on this list.

And of course, she’s kinda hot.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard – You’re going to want someone with strong swimming skills if you get stranded on an island surrounded by raging ocean. For a good portion of my life I have smoked and drank and spent as much time possible not exercising. I’m so lazy that in college people used to duct tape my head to the bathroom wall to keep me from drowning in the shower. That’s why having and Olympic swimmer like Ms.Beard would be your best bet if you ever wanted to catch food or search for sunken treasure.

Plus:

- She’s used to swimming a few miles a day. If a ship comes close to the island, she’d be the only person who could swim out far enough to get its attention. It’s almost like she’s been training for that moment her whole life.

- Treasure map. It’s inevitable that you’re going to find one, and if The Goonies taught us anything, it’s that you want to be a strong swimmer and make friends with any large lazy-eyed deformed mutant retards you might encounter while running from Italian crime families. It’s science people.

- She can hold her breath twice as long as everyone else. That’ll come in handy when searching for spots to fish and when you accidentally drop your keys off the rescue boat and you realize your AAA card expired two months after you landed on the island.

Plus, she’s freakin’ hot…

Hammasa Kohistani, Miss England 2005 – Dude, she’s from Kabul. Yes, that Kabul. She’s seen things that would make you weep openly, like a child with a skinned knee-that’s being shelled by incoming surface to air missiles. She is tougher and more level head than you and given the trauma she has suffered as a child growing up in the midst of a unimaginably horrifying holy war–a plane crash probably didn’t phase her as much as the other passengers. She’ll probably be the calmest of the bunch, so it’s probably best if you follow her lead early and often in the process. She also speaks 6 different languages, which is the skill you’ll find most helpful if you find inhabitants on the island speak some fruity language like French or you need someone to give directions on your oil tanker ride back to whatever port the nearest lawyer specializing in aviation disasters is currently residing.

Plus, she’s kinda hot.

Giada De Laurentiis, Host on Food Network – Some have claimed that the measurements on her Food Network program Everyday Italian are often inadequate and don’t translate well from television to real-life. As a heterosexual male, I will disagree. I feel that her measurements are far, far from inadequate. Wait—what. It’s a cooking show? Really? Oh, those measurements. Yeah, well the food she makes looks really good in HD and even though Italian cooking doesn’t use a lot of ingredients like pineapples, coconut oil, or fish, I’m willing to bet she is enough of a culinary expert to make it work. And I know culinary experts because my buddy is a culinary wizard down at the International House of Pancakes. He can make pancakes that are UN friendly in 8 different languages, including Swahili.

Plus, she’s really hot.

Marisa Miller – Why? Because she Marissa F*#^ing Miller! If you need any explanation for this at all, you are either blind, have had your genitalia mutilated in a horrible farming accident or are homosexual or possibly all three. I’m not judging. I’m simply stating facts here people. Win, lose or draw, you’re gonna want a SI swimsuit model/Victoria Secret model on the island.

Because she is super damn hot…

Kathy Griffin – She’s obnoxious, long winded and has no discernible talent. Get rid of her as soon as possible. The sound of her voice has been known to attract jackals and Bravo! Executives and trust me, you don’t want either of those things hovering around your campsite. Lions? Feed her to them. Blood-thirsty cannibals? Feed her to them. A plane full of comedy fans that somehow also find a way to your island? Don’t put her on. You’re better than that. Make them swim over to Dane Cook Island, at least over there they get to throw rocks at a has-been. You hate her, I hate her, so lets just feed her to the sharks and get it over with already.

Plus…she’s not talented or hot.

This article was written by BOH contributor Shawn. Follow him on Twitter. Please. He needs to feel loved.

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