Sexual harassment isn’t a joke. But when it goes on for years against a variety of women and ends with the judge collecting his full pension for the rest of his life, you have to laugh or you’ll cry. Or be aroused.

“And this is how you’re going to want to use your hand on their rectum…”

A disgraced federal judge was sentenced yesterday to nearly three years in prison for lying to investigators about sexually abusing two female employees, who said that they feared him so much they hid from him in the courthouse.

U.S. District Judge Samuel Kent stared at the floor while the women described years of harassment and abuse at the Galveston courthouse, where he wielded great authority as the only federal judge.

Cathy McBroom, Kent’s former case manager, said that he had “bragged” about his ability to intimidate people. “He told me everyone was afraid of him.” McBroom’s complaint began the case, which expanded when allegations from the judge’s secretary Donna Wilkerson were added.

McBroom said that making the complaint had been “incredibly stressful” and led to the breakup of her marriage and the loss of her home. She said that it had forced her to give up what she considered her dream job and put her entire life under a public and legal microscope.

“One would think I was the criminal,” said McBroom, 50.

Wilkerson told of seven years of abuse by Kent and said that he had tried to molest her on her fifth day on the job. Responding to defense allegations that she had been a willing partner in a romantic affair, she said, “Being molested and groped by a drunken giant is not my idea of an affair.”

[Kent's attorney, Dick DeGuerin] DeGuerin has said that the judge was retiring due to a disability, which is the only way a judge Kent’s age could leave the bench and keep his $169,300-a-year salary. Retired federal judges collect their full salaries for the remainder of their lives; judges who resign get nothing.

Wait, so I can molest someone and get $170,000 a year? And I’ve been doing it for free for all these years? I knew I should have gone to law school instead of…uh, well I didn’t really do anything in it’s place so, uh, instead of not going to law school. Plus then I could insist everyone refer to me as Chris, Esq. Finally all the titular pleasure of hanging out with Robin Hood without any of the giving money to the poor.

You don’t know how many times I’ve tried the, “Oh, it was a willing affair,” defense but it can go either way. For example, it doesn’t work well when the girl can’t talk. Hey, it’s not my fault that love happened at that Helen Keller sound-alike festival. As my fair lady said, “Ahhhhheeeeeeeeyyyyyahhhhhhh,” which either translates to “I love him” or “My ass is bleeding and painful.” Oh if only we knew which.

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