I really enjoyed the new Star Trek movie, so I wanted to highly recommend it to you all here. I anticipate that my accolades should help make the film another $20 million this week. But when you compare the film’s action to the version on the old TV show, it’s practically orgasmic.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found myself face to face with a rubber dinosaur monster and my solution to avoid his slow motion punches was to climb a mountaintop and throw small boulders at his groin. That’s what a fighter’s intuition just tells you to do man. It flows through you.

And if any Star Trek “Trekkie” or “Trekker” or whatever wants to tell me that this shit is actually amazing or how the new movie “is just fluff for a stupid generation,” I will kick you right in the bonerhole of your “Live Long and Prosper” underoos. I watched Wrath of Khan on-demand after enjoying the Star Trek movie and was like, “Hmm, maybe I had misjudged this pop culture phenomena for all these years.” So I sat there and watched poorly acted drivel and Ricardo Montalban looking like an elderly pro wrestler for two hours in what’s supposedly one of the best films of the 80s. I’d rather get my face fed by a guy in a Klingon mask than watch the show or the old movies for an extended period of time ever again.