by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

My eldest daughter is old enough to know that her dad is a sports blogger, which is why Daddy can’t come to her tea party, school concert or hospital sleepover, because he’s got important games to watch on the TV. But sometimes when she’s bringing me beer, I try to explain the backstory of various athletes, because it’s important to explain things to your kids. Just not these guys.

12. Barry Bonds. Let’s see, we’ve got one of the best players of his generation, who became jealous over the attention given to people who used drugs to cheat. So he cheated more than everyone else, and became one of the most hated people ever. He also managed to inspire a trainer to take years in prison rather than tell on him, and thanks to him, baseball is more or less permanently ruined on some level. Oh, and all while *tons* of people, both on the inside and out, knew about the whole thing, but went along because they were making money.

I guess what I’m really saying here is that adults suck, sweetie.

11. Gary Bettman. He runs the hockey league, and under his control, they went from something that people loved to an unwatchable mess with labor problems, and breathtaking media incompetence. Why, yes, he still does have the job, honey. So do your homework, because you might not grow up to be as lucky as him.

10. Terrell Owens. Terrell is an NFL player who is very strong, fast, durable, and productive. He also didn’t win a single playoff game as an active player for the entire second half of his career, despite playing on very good teams, and wound up having to move a lot, just because he was that big of a jerk. Next question.

9. Jose Canseco. Jose was once the best player in baseball before he got hurt from taking a lot of cheater drugs. Then he told the truth about using the cheater drugs, and turned out to be right about everything, which made everyone hate him even more. Now, he fights people for money at carnivals, and writes increasingly unpopular books. The lesson, of course, is to stop snitching.

8. Tonya Harding. Tonya was an asthmatic redneck figure skater who wanted to make sure she was the best. So she paid people to hurt her rival. When she got caught, she used lawyers to sue to represent her country before the whole world, which was OK, because it got TV ratings. Later on, she also fought people in carnival sideshows. So, um… bad people aren’t pretty. There we go. Moving on.

7. Mike Tyson. The guy with the freaky tattoo on his face has made more money from fighting than anyone in human history, but Daddy’s worth more money now (yes, honey, just from blogging!) because Daddy didn’t spend his money like a crazy person while getting ripped off by his manager.

Then again, it’s probably easier just not to show Mike to kids, for fear of the eating.

6. Brett Favre. Even my kid, who does not watch the NFL, wants to know why this man gets to keep showing up on television for quitting and not quitting. It hardly seems fair to everyone who, you know, doesn’t quit. (And I’d say more about this, but the Internets are going to explode soon from Favre coverage…)

5. Kobe Bryant. Assuming you aren’t like Laker Fan, who has made any reference to Eagle Colorado punishable by exile to the Inland Empire, you might want to make sure your kid doesn’t grow up looking up to, you know, an adulterous alleged rapist who quits during season-ending games, betrays his teammates and… well, maybe Laker Fan has a point.

4. Roger Clemens. Like Bonds, but with even more obvious ‘roid rage episodes, and unlike Bonds, still actually has some people who admit to liking him, mostly in places where Daddy locks the car doors and won’t stop even to go to the bathroom. So you get to explain racism along with steroids. Good luck with that.

3. Bud Selig. The man who was in charge of baseball during the time when all of that Bonds and Clemens stuff was happening? Well, he still has his job, and he gets paid $18 million a year, to, um, do something, I guess. How much is 18 million dollars? More than Daddy, Mommy, you, your sister and everyone in our extended family will ever make, combined, in all of our lives. Maybe we’ll discuss capitalism some other time, child.

2. Michael Vick. Well, he went to prison for making dogs… no, let’s just not go there. He used to be one of the most famous and well-paid quarterbacks in the NFL, until it was discovered that he liked to make dogs… um, yeesh. He’s a bad man who doesn’t play for my team, kiddo, so we don’t need to talk about him anymore. Moving on.

1. Isiah Thomas. He used to be a very good player, so this led to lots of teams and leagues and colleges giving him work, where he was just about the worst ever at the job. While he was being the worst ever at the job, he was also doing all kinds of bad things in the office, and in cars, and…

Hey, enough about sports. Who wants ice cream?