This is the Comfort Wipe, a new way to replace the archaic methods of using paper to remove feces from your hindquarters. See? Sounds silly when it’s written out, doesn’t it?

I know this video is supposed to seem crazy and ridiculous, but I don’t know man. We’ve been using toilet paper for so long that I think people fear change. But it really doesn’t make sense how, when things get a little sticky, we just use the same pieces of paper. Like if you stepped in dog crap, would you just use printer paper to get it off? Or would you get some water on your shoes? Probably the latter right?

Anyway, this doesn’t really affect me as I stopped using toilet paper a long time ago. Your mother’s tongue is infinitely more effective. Additionally, she loves corn. That’s part of why I affectionately refer to her as The Jolly Green Giant. The other part? Well, remember how those cucumbers always weren’t in the vegetable crisper when you were growing up? Yeah. Salads shouldn’t taste like rotting trout.

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