I’m a big fan of absurdist situations. Like when a woman accused me of fathering her child and I went, “BWA HA I’M THE MAGIC MAN” and threw sulfuric acid at her. It didn’t come off as whimsical as it was in my head. Anyway here’s a guy in a huge banana costume scaring people.

I remember the first time I encountered a living banana. I stared into its cold, dead eyes. It had a smile, but it wasn’t one that indicated warmth or love. It was the most menacing showing of teeth a fruit has ever exhibited. I pulled up closer to it. I could smell the potassium floating off its skin. The banana didn’t blink. Its doll eyes stared blankly into me, wondering whether I would wilt like the rest or be able to withstand the horrors of even being in its presence. I looked down at its pajamas and noticed a button unbuttoned. The banana was aroused by the fear it sensed in my heart. I darted out of the room, having often heard what a banana will do to you when it’s in heat. But it was too late. This banana had me. So I’m there, being taken advantage of by a banana and I can’t help but wonder…will this count towards my daily dose of fruit?