I’m going to recommend you take a moment or two out of your day to go and watch the worst best man speeches ever over at Asylum. Because this gem you’ll see below is undeniably epic.

It’s easy to say that’s the worst speech by a best man ever. But knowing how fed up the world is, there has to be much worse. Like a best man revealing like a Bond villain, that he’s actually the father of the bride’s unborn child. Or that he actually created the groom in a laboratory in a quest to make the perfect man whose genitalia will fall off the moment he finds himself legally married. Even if it weren’t true, that’d probably be enough to give me pause. Uncomfortable silence is one thing, adjusting my perception of reality in an M. Night Shyamalan poorly-written twist is something entirely different.

On that note, I’m out of here for a couple days. Not to get married, thank God (my girlfriend is clearly not old enough for that. Not emotionally, but legally), but to move to Brooklyn and probably drive myself to near-suicide in the process. I’ll be back next Monday. And while I’m yammering about myself, reminders: Join the Facebook page for my stand-up comedy career (especially if you’re in New York, but even if you’re not, support me you fs) and check out my side project Maybe You Shouldn’t Buy That, especially if you’re a book publisher with money burning a hole in your pocket. Daddy needs a new pair of needles for intravenous drug use!