by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

In honor of Father’s Day, here’s the top 10 things I’ve been able to pass on to my kids from my love of sports. I’d also like to extend my own thanks to my father, who took off when I was five, didn’t pay the child support, and helped put me on the road to bitterness and betrayal that have made me the sports blogger that I am. Thanks loads, Pops. Thanks loads.

10) Vocabulary. I didn’t even know what a motherf***** was until my older brother taught me, in conjunction with the terrible Eagles teams of my youth. I’ve continued the education with my own daughters, though mostly with the region of the body that expels solid waste. They learn fast.

9) Mathematics. Arithmetic comes alive when your kids learn that their ability to get presents at Christmas or food at dinner time is tied up in a three-team teaser and 6.5 point spread on the late game.

Drug education. What pills make Daddy able to make more brothers and sisters? What pills make people grow huge muscles that let them make more money? What’s a side effect, and what kind of varieties do they come in? And how much money do pharmaceutical companies make, anyway? All these good questions and more show that my kid’s going to med school. (Overseas.)

7) Marketing. Other kids may think that the Littlest Streetwalker dolls are available for a limited time only, or that true happiness only lies in acquiring the matching thigh high boots to make her doll as fly as the TV ads, but that’s just people trying to sell you things, honey child. Entirely unlike Daddy’s home, away, throwback and anniversary jerseys, with the half-dozen different names and numbers collected over the years. Those are just, well, clothes.

6) Hate. Does a deep and abiding belief that the fans and personnel of a different city and laundry equate with Evil That Must Be Opposed come easily? Of course not. It’s day-in, day-out work, with constant reinforcement necessary to fight back against the corrupting modern influences of fantasy sports moral relativism, non-propaganda coverage from out of market media, and cold comfort logic. But take heart, sports parents: if you stay the course, eventually you’ll have someone to charge the field with you when you’re drunk. That’s a bonding moment!

5) Patience. Can’t get them to wait through a meal for everyone to finish, for the bathroom when you are having a moment, or in the car when you are picking up your special medicine that makes the dogs in your head stop barking for just one goddamned minute? Take ‘em to a baseball game, and watch the fun as the arbitrary nature of time winds its way through an afternoon (“We can only get food after the third inning” or “The bathroom doesn’t open until the seventh”). Soon, you’ll have much more time alone.

4) Teamwork. When one person boos a player, that’s uncomfortable. When everyone does it, leading to the potential of real tears and eventual unemployment, that’s just people working together to establish a civic identity. Teamwork!

3) Creativity. Getting on television for being cute little kids? That’s the easy part. How about getting on television for appearing to be cute, then doing something truly horrific before the camera man can turn away? That’s going the extra mile, kiddo. Earn my love.

2) Independence. As I’ve told my kids repeatedly, along with important lessons like “What’s in Daddy’s closet is none of your damn business”, everyone is here to teach them something they’ll use in later life. That lesson may be, especially in conjunction with #9, that they need to make their own money, and have their own checking and savings accounts, if they really want to have a firm footing in life. That’s independence they’ll put to use, and soon.

1) Exceptionalism. When the same rules apply to you that apply to everyone else, you know what that makes you? A sheep, kid. Tough love says you need to be better than that. Along with this Father’s Day gift. I mean, here I am, writing my list just like any other day. Why aren’t you doing it for me? Dad needs a freaking day off here.