by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

One of the ways in which modern life has made us soft is that we have so much more control of what we watch and listen to. When I was growing up, in a time before cable and digital music, there was a certain amount of endurance involved in the radio or television. If you didn’t like a show or song, you were much more likely to just grit your teeth and get through it.

But not now. We skip past anything that doesn’t appeal…except, of course, when we can’t, because there’s no control available to us. Instead, we bitch and whine about how much we can’t stand these songs or commercials. But hey — it makes for a good list, right?

10) The “Jump” intro by Van Halen. Memo to NBA stadium personnel: it is not a federal law that you have to play this before every jump ball. Honestly, House of Pain’s “Jump Around” will work. You can even use Kris Kross, or the Pointer Sisters, or even, I don’t know, let the damn play happen without musical accoutrement. We won’t deport you or nothing.

9) “Glory Days” by Bruce Springsteen. I realize that the Boss sounds like good time party music, but some of us are actually listening to the actual lyrics. “Days” is about “time slipping away, and leaving you with nothing.” I’m just trying to watch a game here, not contemplate my own death.

“Tequila” by The Champs. Does anyone listen to this song without thinking of Pee Wee Herman? And, thanks to his movie-watching habits, does anyone think of Pee Wee Herman without thinking of Pee Wee’s Herman? No, I didn’t think so. Let’s just play something else, OK?

7) “Charge”, traditional bugle call. Unless we’re taking the field in an Artestian melee of fans against opponents (and yes, please, do — the blog traffic would be phenomenal), this really isn’t helping much. The fact that it will be repeated until the stadium sound man thinks we’re excited enough isn’t helping matters. There are no more children at games, thanks to the crazed prices; so let’s stop playing childish things.

6) “Who Let The Dogs Out” by Baha Men. Speaking of the end of children’s music, this is more war crime than song. Let’s just pray that it ends in our lifetime.

5) “Welcome to the Jungle” by Guns ‘N Roses. Your home team’s exercise in welfare for millionaires (also known as a stadium) is is not a jungle. No one is going to see spectacular wildlife, get eaten alive by insects, or have their morals corrupted in a Conradian nightmare of moral relativism. What’s going to happen there is that they are going to get paid, and you are going to do the paying. Not really jungle-esque. Besides, if we all stop playing this song, maybe Axl Rose will stop trying to make more music.

4) “All Star” by Smash Mouth. Should we really blame the musicians when a song is played to death and beyond? After all, it’s not like they made the people who made, well, just about every damn movie made in the last five years use this soul-free mind-number. But on the other hand, they did make the damn thing, and I’m pretty sure they are cashing the checks. So screw ‘em.

Oh, and if you think that’s cold comfort for the million times you’ve heard this thing, consider that their souls will be tortured eternally in a special circle of Hell where the truly experimental stuff will be done. It’s thoughts like this one that will help you get through life.

3) “Gonna Fly Now (Theme from Rocky)” by Bill Conti. I don’t even really like the damn “Rocky” movies, being, you know, an actual mature adult with a spine that contracts when in close proximity to wooden dialogue and steroid-influenced acting. But I do know this: no team that doesn’t call Philadelphia home should go anywhere near this schlock-fest. We don’t enjoy it ironically, or as a matter of unintentional comedy; we hear it and want to fight someone. Someone bigger than us, and definitely wealthier. And that goes for other team’s fan bases, too. Find something else, you freaking thieves. (And yes, Boston, we are talking about you. Again.)

2) “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang. Ah, the ’70s. Will they ever go the hell away? Not until we rise up as a unified force and end the tyranny of co-opted funk with a paramilitary action against the people who can’t clap on the 1. (If we must get retro funky, can’t we at least do it with James Brown, Rick James or George Clinton?)

1) “We Will Rock You / We Are The Champions” by Queen. The real shame of this is that it’s actually a great beat and, eventually, guitar solo. (Not that you’ll ever hear the damn solo; it’s about the Boom-Boom-Bah, Boom-Boom-Bah.) But the lyric is something that every embarrassment has to inflict on the world, and they are usually drunk off their ass, since you don’t usually hear this one until late in the game. It’s also utterly generic: you can hear it at every stadium in the land, from the minor leagues and college on up. Honestly, pick a song and make it your own. It’s not that hard.

Feel free to add your own in the comments, of course…