by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

10) Decertification. In the English Premier League, if your team stinks, they get sent to the minors. No draft picks, fire sales, cheap owners and de facto communism; just raw, unmitigated Darwinism. No more coddling the Clippers, the Nationals, the Bengals and so many others — just send their asses down, and promote another town. This would revitalize sports all over America.

9. Singing crowds. No, not the freaking anthem, or at the very least, not just the anthem. What you want is stuff that sounds better when the singer is clearly drunk off his ass. Something like this.

Anything where you are singing that the opponent can burn in hell? That works.

8. Padding, or the lack thereof. With the exception of pussy cricketers — what, you can’t take a broken ankle or two? — the Euros tend to play their sports without pads. Rugby, soccer, and most impressively, Australian rules football, are all places where a man can see some unencumbered blood. That works.

7. Gambling. Safe, legal and common. You know, like what you might get if we treated grown-ups like grown-ups.

6. Supremely freaky owners. Mark Cuban ain’t got nothing on a borderline crazy Russian mobster. I need this man in the NFL, just so he can make Jerruh Jones pee himself.

5. Tabloids. America’s got a few, but nothing like in Europe, where they put the lie in libel. Plus, as shown above, they make the brave choice of having titty. Imagine that!

4. Hours. When you live on the West Coast, Sunday afternoon football games start at 10am and end while there’s still daylight. It’s immensely preferable to what happens on the East Coast. And when World Series games and NBA playoff games all go into late-night overtimes, you’re not a zombie the next day. Seeing as there’s good money in pushing these games out and stuffing in more and more commercial breaks, maybe the best move for your long-term enjoyment of US sports is not to be in a US time zone.

3. Commercials. Much more titty and shocking content, and just a hell of a lot less of ‘em. Oh, and they don’t have sticks up their asses, either.

2. Hooligans. I’m embarrassed by the recent quality of U.S. sports championship riots. A few tipped cars, some drunken nonsense, maybe a fire or two? Please. The Euros take this to another level. I especially like the assault with flag. That’s showing ‘em the old team spirit!

1. The haka. Now, *this* is how you talk trash to your opponent — by belittling their efforts so thoroughly that you bloody yourselves up a bit, since they won’t be able to do it. Someone show this to Brian Dawkins or Ray Lewis; it’s time to freshen up the act.