by DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool.com

Let’s face it, folks… inside the heart of every sports blogger of a certain age is the desire to write wrestling storylines. Or, at least, in this one. Why settle for getting the hatred and scorn of just the online mouth-breathers, when there are so many more people to annoy and inflame? And so, without further ado (and my apologies if some of these have already been tried)…

10) Dr. Poke. An evil proctologist (is there any other kind, really?) who wears scrubs and rubber gloves, makes his opponent smell his fingers, and might have the most debilitating finishing move ever. He also earns extra heel points for constantly insisting that it’s pronounced “Poe-Kay”, and for all kinds of groaning HMO puns.

I’m seeing a solid 2-month run terrorizing undercard talent, until he meets his match against a guy who simply lubes up before the match. Hoist on his own petard. It’s Shakespearian. And only slightly more Alternative Lifestyle than a solid 30% of the current lineup…

9) WoW Woman. An overweight diva who routinely loses matches due to her preoccupation with her online avatar. Finishing moves include bashing cans of diet soda over her opponent’s head, and bad Cheeto breath. A natural tie-in for co-promotional marketing opportunities, along with, perhaps, the WWE’s first match that’s just between avatars.

Apoca Lester. Buzzcut southern white heel who only feuds with black faces while railing against Socialism and The Nanny State. Finishing moves include assaults with AM radios and the highly dreaded “Teabagging” move. Big crossover potential as a face if the political winds change; if and when that happens, we give him a Jack Bauer-esque arc and have him start waterboarding anti-Americans, or just brown people in general. Lots of potential here.

7) Tech Support. Ineffectual manager/lackey, possibly to #9, who wears nerd glasses, a pocket protector and a Blackberry. His weak in-ring attacks include stabbing motions with the smart phone, blowing compressed air into an opponent’s eyes, and clipboard shots.

6) The Texter. Delivers all smack talk in 140 characters or less for Twitter usage, and frequently lets down her tag-team partner due to being distracted with text messaging. Especially hated by older wrestlers, who can never get her attention in mid-rant. Finishing moves are mostly theoretical, but her prowess in thumb wrestling is a source of much boasting, and possible double-entendres with male wrestlers.

5) Hybrid Force. Co-ed Euro wrestler team (French?) who lecture their opponents for their wasteful carbon footprint and the crowd for their diet and transportation choices. Eventually, the cutest girl in the team will turn face after eating a cheeseburger. Finishing moves are elaborately choreographed set pieces of teamwork that are, of course, deficient in power.

4) Marshall Wigger. Painful white rapper wannabe with lame rhymes, a perpetual hoodie, and consistent whining about how hard his childhood was, and how no one understands his pain. Marshall’s attacks are mostly with a microphone and/or stand, along with a spastic dancing finishing move that’s mostly for comedy.

Ideally, the character would manage to get the real Eminem to show up and do a feud, with the real Em winning by being more hardcore with serial killer overtones. Eventually, both opponents are laid out by a run-in from the Insane Clown Posse, who have (a) old beef with Em, and (b) remarkable availability, in that I’m pretty sure no one has said their names in public this decade. It’s Detroit-riffic!

3) Eve O’Loution. Since the idea that humans are evolved from apes has never really caught on with the core constituency of the WWE, despite ample evidence to the contrary, let’s tap into that. I’m seeing a stuck-up blonde chick in a lab coat and glasses, lecturing the crowd and opponents with calm, even-handed analysis. That is, before taking the chair shot, and having bananas shoved in her mouth. We’ll show her evolution!

2) Ace Suckout. Is there anyone that a crowd wants to see get beaten down more than an egocentric poker player? Let’s find out. Any number of suit-related puns and attacks come into play here, with a finishing move that resembles a card slapdown and pulling in chips. The post-match rants about how lucky an opponent was, or how much the referee robbed him… well, they practically write themselves, don’t they?

1) Amnesio. Tragic face/heel switch male who has to wrestle with protective headgear due to a pre-existing medical condition. In moments of stress or cranial injury, his worldview changes with massive unpredictability. Finally, a way to resurrect some of that George The Animal Steele fun!