Rarely do ads speak to me as a male in my mid-20s with money to stupidly blow on futile pursuits. Apparently, I need to move to Canada because it seems like their telecom companies know what’s up.

Yeah boy, that’s what the Internet is all about to me. Exploding out of a laptop screen, getting a little biracial tail that looks at least a decade older than me then ditching her when the AdultFriendFinder premium account expires…this is what people dreamed of when they networked computers together, staring at a blinking cursor. That and midget porn.

While we’re talking about advertising, I have a question about something in ads that I’m not sure if it’s an exclusively American thing or what: Why is every man in every commercial bordering on inflicted with Down’s Syndrome? I get that we’re supposed to empower women and whatever, but does every form of media have to have the Smart and Sassy Gal somehow putting the Retarded Husband into his place, either by informing him or savings or making him look like a complete dolt in some other way? It’s discrimination, really. Imagine if I made a series of ads that were just men going, “Now now honey, you shouldn’t worry about the cell phone bill since we can switch to AT&T. Now go back to making me a sandwich; it’s what you’re good at!” Now imagine me swimming in boatloads of money because AT&T was dumb enough to let some a-hole like me make their ads for some reason. This is why you need your kids to have an imagination; to escape their soul-crushing realities.

[as seen on]