For years I’ve felt like my “solo time” has lacked a degree of whimsy. But thanks to the good people at Kanojo Toys, I can now get all the satisfaction of having sex with an egg without any of the ruining of omelets.

So is this not supposed to be suspicious? Like if someone saw a big blow-up doll in your house, they’d probably go, “Oh, he’s totally having sex with a blowup doll.” But if someone sees an egg in your house, they just think it’s an egg, I’d assume. But if you have an egg by your bedside with something that looks like crusted old egg whites underneath it, I’d still think that’s a bit out of the norm. I don’t think I’d assume you’re having sex with it, but I wouldn’t be shocked. I guess my real point is that as a society, we should probably limit the things we pleasure ourselves with to our hands or to humans, or occasionally a particularly sexy pair of couch cushions. Your eyes say “no no” but the change inside of you says, “yes yes.”