People love to blame the government for everything; it’s just easier that way. But when you think the government can bend time and nature to its will, you might need to reevaluate.

At times like this, I really wish vampires existed. The vampires on True Blood self-segregate, but they all seem way too smart and worldly. But I bet real vampires would just be conspiracy theorists and totally nebbishly, like Woody Allen with a thirst for blood (ideally adult blood). You’d offer a vampire a cheeseburger and they’d say something like, “Oy, I’d love to, but it’d be bad for my diet. The doctor says I need to stick to O negative or I start to plotz.”

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