New Jersey apparently has no laws against bestiality, so one cop thought it’d be cool to let some calves suckle on his johnson. Apparently that wasn’t “okay” according to the man, since he got charged with animal cruelty. But don’t worry, cow blowjob-lovers…he got off scot free!

If animals could talk, a few cows in Burlington County might ask state legislators to hurry up and outlaw bestiality.

During a bizarre hearing there yesterday, a Superior Court judge dismissed animal-cruelty charges against a Moorestown police officer accused of sticking his penis into the mouths of five calves in rural Southampton in 2006, claiming a grand jury couldn’t infer whether the cows had been “tormented” or “puzzled” by the situation or even irritated that they’d been duped out of a meal.

“If the cow had the cognitive ability to form thought and speak, would it say, ‘Where’s the milk? I’m not getting any milk,’ ” Judge James J. Morley asked.

Morley said it was questionable whether Melia’s alleged crimes against cows, although “disgusting,” fit the definitions in the animal-cruelty statute.

“I’m not saying it’s OK,” Morley said. “This is a legal question for me. It’s not a questions of morals. It’s not a question of hygiene. It’s not a question of how people should conduct themselves.”

The judge should also mention that it seems only fair that after we milk cows dry for centuries, we should probably return the favor every now and then. That’s just what you do in a civilized society, you know?

Sure this ruling may sound crazy, mostly because it is, but at the same time, maybe this is a step forward for human/cow relations. Think about it…the first guy who walked up to a cow’s teat and went “Man, bet that’d be tasty. And finally, my Lucky Charms won’t takes like sawdust and clown makeup,” I bet everyone thought he was crazy too. Plus, this way, someone had an orgasm. Everyone wins. Oh, except the cows. They have to take the walk of shame back to their pasture. Sorry cows.

[Philly]