Stereotyping is everything when you first meet someone in a loud and crowded bar. While I may not be able to hear what you’re saying over the loud music, I can certainly see what you’re trying to say by the shirt you chose to wear out. While there are exceptions to every rule (such as jersey’s being viewed differently on game days) I’ve found that my shirt predictions are usually right on.

Collared Shirt - You’re a nice guy who doesn’t take too many risks. You always go out in a collared shirt because it makes you look nicer. Also it hides that beer belly you never managed to lose after college. You always offer to buy girls drinks but secretly hope they order something cheap because you’re not made of money.

V-Neck Shirt - You’re not supporting bullcrap big business by buying shirts with labels. You found this in a garage sale and then went home and shrunk it so it accentuates each of your nipples. You haven’t brushed your hair in weeks but you did groom your chest hair tonight so just enough shows. Your earphones are in all night because you can’t stand this mainstream crap. You only order PBR.

Ed Hardy Shirt - You just moved to New York and will hit on anything that bears no resemblance to your ex-wife and mother of your eight children. Your most successful pick-up line is “I used to be on a show called Jon & Kate Plus 8.”

Blazer with T-Shirt - You’re very cool so you put on a t-shirt, but you also want people to know you’re rich so you put on the blazer. You never go to a place without bottle service and you always offer to buy all the (pretty) girls at the bar a drink by touching the small of their backs and telling the bartender to get them whatever they want. You’ll shove anyone else who gets in your way.

Turtleneck - You’re moderately enjoying yourself at your first night ever in a bar. However, you don’t understand why the two bar stools on either side of you remain empty all night, you don’t think it has anything to do with the hot tea you ordered…after all it is really cold out. You’re staring at girls who are doing everything in their power not to make eye contact and you’re wondering if it would be weird to pull out your LL Bean catalog and casually flip through. You’ll go home alone tonight.

Sports Jersey - You’re a man’s man. You love sports and you want everyone to know that before they even meet you. If testosterone was an accessory sold in stores you would have it in every color and size, except pink. You stare at the mute TV all night yelling at every play and spilling beer on anyone around you. You don’t apologize because that’s not a manly thing to do. You’ll spend the night talking about the game’s best and worst plays and how even you could have gotten that touchdown.

T-Shirt with “Funny” Slogan - You’re very funny and the improv club you started in college is proof of that. You laugh every time you look at your shirt that says ‘I’m with Stupid’ because it’s points to whoever you’re standing next to at the bar. You still love South Park and your favorite pick-up line is telling girls you have Ren and Stimpy on DVD. But you have to make sure you choose girls that won’t mind that you still live with your parents. Hey, a stand-up comedy career on Youtube is hard and you can’t afford to move out.