Dogs are adorable, what with their tails and furry little faces and love of artery clogging meats befitting a fat Midwestern man. But, according to a Canadian study, a trend is emerging that more and more people are naming their pets with human names, which is just ridiculous and needs to be stopped.

Pictured, L to R, Chaz, Kevin, Tiffany, and Lord Thaddeus Jamison Chatsworth Woofington III

Since the turn of the century, your furry friend has a better chance of having a human name than a traditional canine moniker. Enter Max, Charlie, Molly, Lucy, Sam and Abby.

Max is widely reported to be the most popular dog name on the planet and The Vancouver Sun’s 100,000-entry dog-name database shows that local dog owners are true to the trend. There are 1,347 dogs named Max registered in the 15 municipalities that contributed data to the project, good for first overall.

[UBC psychology professor Stan] Coren attributes the rise of human names to a growing number of female dog owners and the changing place that dogs occupy in our lives.

“We have more and more companion dogs than ever before. With more people living in condos you need a friendly little couch potato,” Coren explained. “We have bred a whole bunch of new companion species that are widely available and they are great sucky-face dogs.”

The only acceptable time to give your dog a human name is when you’re naming it after yourself. “Chris loves to lick his crotch…he’ll do it until everyone in the room is completely embarrassed.” Oh, is your dog also named Chris, you ask? No. No he’s not. I just happen to be very flexible with a love for my personal tangy spices and conjugations in the third person.

[Vancouver Sun]