The modern day athlete is bigger stronger and faster than any generation of athlete before them. Their skills are honed to precision. Every skill except for singing. And sometimes dancing. Oh, and making sound decisions on music video attire. And music video scripts. And video ideas. And.. screw it, it’s easier to show you the proof.

Deion Sanders – Must Be the Money

“You know ever since I turned pro in 1989
When I signed the dotted line
People’s strange!
‘Cause things change
For the better and for the worse”

This is probably one of those “worse” times. In the dark ages of music before Auto-Tune, this is what happened to athletes who tried to become music artists. Watching this video makes me miss those days.

Deion was one of the fastest players to ever play in the NFL. I bet he wishes that he would have run far, far away from this music video set. Yeah, a lot of people will say that he probably made a ton of money off this and that is why he did it. Well, he had a ton of money to begin with and looking back, he probably has some semblance of regret even if they helped buy the “Diamond Rolex and gators on my feet.”

What are you, Ray Charles? I don’t care how bright Neon Deion is–he doesn’t need to wear the sunglasses while getting his hair cut, doing his taxes and dancing with several scantily clad ladies on what looks to be an airstrip in the dead of night. The funny thing is, the only time he takes the glasses off is when he’s sitting next to the pool. I don’t know if there is some reverse sunglasses clause in all hip-hop videos, but this made no sense to me. I can’t imagine the hysterics that must have been echoing through the set when the director said “Break it down Deion!” at the 2:50 mark. He looks like a blind chicken having a seizure…probably from caught a glance at all the gold and purple suit in the mirror and lost control of his arms and legs.

I loved Deion as a Falcon. I loved Deion as Cowboy. I loved Deion as a 49er. I did not love Dieon as a whatever the hell he is supposed to be in this video. They should have saved this “Prime Time” for infomercial time.

Koko B. Ware – Pile Driver

From the start this thing was a disaster. Koko must have written the opening too. Who throws tires around like toothpicks? What kind of description is that? It’s like saying “I throw rocks like Volvos.” And what the hell are you building where you have a superfluous amount of tires just laying around a construction site? Are you building the Michelin Man? And what the hell is an “argament?”

OK, secretly I probably loved this video when I was little. It has Bam-Bam Bigelow, Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper. Even with “Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart; this video was probably awesome for every eight year old wrestling fan at the time it came out. But as you can see it has not aged well. The lyrics are dreadfully tacky and even a bevy of mismatched beauties wandering through a construction site in the middle of nowhere can’t save this video. I mean, you can tell Koko is really trying to bring it home with this song, but man this is just hard to watch. And he didn’t even give that bird a solo. Some bird friend you are, dick.

Bo Jackson and Grover – Wubba Wubba Wubba

I refuse to say anything bad about Bo Jackson–so just look in the phone booth at the 1:53 mark. If you see Ray Charles you’ve gone too far. If Ray Charles sees you, you’ve taken acid again, grandma; it’s time for your nap.

Carl Lewis – Break It Up

Holy crappy 80’s montage Batman! I’ve seen more production value in elementary school plays.

Carl looks like an more effeminate Janet Jackson in this video than a track and field athlete. With his one piece leotard and real nose, he probably would have made a better looking woman that Janet at the time. And he certainly had the outfit for it…

Who thought this was a good idea? Carl Lewis had to know he couldn’t sing, right? This is so cheesily bad that it’s almost hypnotic. Wait…are those bubbles? Is that an overweight, elderly white woman in novelty sunglasses? Are you now in the hot tub with her Carl? Now back to clips of you winning in the Olympics. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!

At some point somebody in your posse or entourage or whatever you want to call it has to say “Hold-up Carl, this is a really bad idea. I’m looking around at the old lady in the glasses and the bubbles and that white belt on your leotard and I just don’t think this is the direction a world-class athlete and multiple-gold medal winner should be going with his life. And man, fire you damn agent on the way outta here.”

This is one music video that could have used one, if not several, Kanye West interruptions.

Super Bowl Shuffle – 84’ Chicago Bears

When I was 11, I had to make a music video for class. I did the saxophone solo like #33 Calvin Thomas does in the video. I got a C- on that video. That seems about right…

Shaquille O’Neal – Strait Playin

Every time I see Shaq out of uniform, he seems to have turned into Bugs Bunny. He’s campy and fun, but honestly, he need to step out of the Looney Tunes cartoons and into the real world where he has no discernible music talent.

I mean take this video for example. Shaq always claims to just want to have fun, but some of what he thinks is fun just ends up turning out be weird. One second our fearless rapper is riding around in front of the worst green screen of all-time while dressed like a seven foot tall version of Judge Smails and the next second a woman is dancing in a bathroom and then two seconds later a different woman is riding one of those toy rocket ship kid rides you find outside the dollar store in the same exact bathroom. Then there is a party with a big circular fuzzy bed and strobe lights and then back in the car with another guy and finally in the car with another guy a few women and now one of the women has a snake. Wait where did that snake come from?

Photo goes to non-embeddable YouTube video

It’s safe to say that when Shaq isn’t missing the better portion of his free-throws or penning the script for Kazaam 2 (God help us) Shaq is out making terrible music videos. It’s so bad that I can’t even embed it here. You have to go check it out on Youtube.

Oscar De La Hoya – Run to Me

This video is actually shot pretty well (finally a director that knows what he is doing) for an athlete video and it’s probably because De La Hoya actually sounds decent enough to give the video a budget, but man, how can a guy so nimble in the ring look so horrifically stiff and uncomfortable while dancing to a song he helped write. He looks like he could possibly be drunk or a stiff breeze is blowing his tiny frame in a different direction or the director possibly stapled his feet to the ground…I dunno. All I know, is that he was a monster in the ring and you’d think the quick feet and rhythm would carry over to the dance floor, but not in Oscar’s case.

And why does everyone of Spanish decent have to sing like Enrique Iglesias? In this video Oscar sounds a lot like Enrique sounds; who inurn, sounds very similar to his father, Julio Iglesias; who of course sounded a lot like a Hispanic version of Barry Manilow.

I don’t know why this is or if there is even a term for it, but I know that candles, a tight see-thu shirt and enough candles to cause fire safety concerns make this video kinda girly. Would I say that to his face? No. Would I say this to Barry Manilow’s face? Maybe. Is there time for a Vegas style duet before the next Manny Pacquiao fight? Most certainly!

Much like the many boxers who fought De La Hoya in his heyday, I am asking “No Mas, Oscar!”

Kobe Bryant – K.O.B.E.

Kobe Bryant + Tyra Banks + NBA All-Star Weekend = Tears in my eyes, earplugs in my ears and shotgun in my mouth.