Listen, we’re not saying people shouldn’t be entitled to their opinion. We’re just saying we don’t care what these women have to say. In fact, we’d appreciate it if they just stood there and said nothing.

Jenny McCarthy

“I do believe sadly it’s going to take some diseases coming back to realize that we need to change and develop vaccines that are safe. If the vaccine companies are not listening to us, it’s their f___ing fault that the diseases are coming back. They’re making a product that’s s___. If you give us a safe vaccine, we’ll use it. It shouldn’t be polio versus autism.”

~ Jenny McCarthy

By the way, Jenny is neither a scientist nor a doctor. Her most formal education was learning how to bend over correctly for Playboy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Her work as a host of Singled Out whose sole contribution consisted of making silly faces and yelling? Perhaps something slightly wrong with that.

Pam Anderson

“People who wear fur smell like a wet dog if they’re in the rain. And they look fat and gross.”

~Pamela Anderson

We’d listen to Pam’s PETA requests more if she wasn’t hiding two “puppies” in her chest. And frankly, at this point in her life, Pam probably doesn’t need to be seen much any more either. You’re a middle aged woman, Pam. When you’re naked in public now, it’s about as sexy as having a grandmother with dementia.

Kim Kardashian

“There is no amount of money that could ever convince me to release any tape, even if I had one. I don’t need the money. I’m not poor; I’m not desperate, I would never attempt to sell a tape,” she says. “It would humiliate me and ruin my family. I don’t need the money. It’s humiliating; it’s embarrassing. It’s something I feel very betrayed by, but I’m not pointing any fingers.”

~Kim Kardashian

She said this soon after cashing another royalty check from the sex tape, then going to film a scene for her reality show which she wouldn’t have gotten without the aforementioned sex tape. Then again, based on her vague language, she might have just been talking about the pilot for Keeping up with the Kardashians.

Carrie Prejean

“No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with getting breast implants as a Christian. I think it’s a personal decision. I don’t see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn’t get breast implants.”

~Carrie Prejean

We wonder what the Good Book says about sex tapes. Can’t imagine any omniscient being would be a huge fan. Unless you consider a strange man with a lot of strategically placed spy cameras to be omniscient.

Tila Tequila

“I want to make at least another billion dollars before I adopt children so I can just focus on them. Like, just move to an island and give them everything.”

~Tila Tequila

“Another” would insinuate that you’ve already made a billion dollars. I didn’t know MTV paid their reality stars so much. Ironically, her living on an island with a group of adopted children, forced to create a new society, would probably be more interesting than A Shot at Love. Making lesbianism completely boring and enraging at the same time has to be some sort of moral victory over heterosexual men everywhere.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck

At a recent taping, an audience member asked Hasselbeck if she was still close with [Survivor castmate Rodger] Bingham; she said yes, but it was hard, given that he’s a farmer and is up early in the fields.
“He’s not a farmer!” [Survivor castmate Jeff] Varner says, laughing. “He works for the Department of Agriculture in Kentucky.”

~Elisabeth Hasselbeck

I do give her credit though. She avoided getting eaten by Rosie O’Donnell all those years. Rosie’s a hungry lady and surprisingly fast for a mound of mashed potatoes.

Heidi Montag

Heidi Montag [on rumors she started Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors]: “God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”

~Heidi Montag

WWJD? Nah…Move aside. It’s WWHD time. If there were any modern figure worthy of deification, it’s Heidi Montag. So long as you don’t mind religious scripture churned out in crayon with backwards letters like a child’s lemonade stand.

Scarlett Johansson

“I am engaged… to Barack Obama. My heart belongs to Barack, and that is who I am currently, finally, engaged to.”

~Scarlett Johansson

Love the president? Sure…but this is bordering on Monica Lewinsky territory. Plus any time we have to hear you recreating the hits of Tom Waits, you’re probably long overdue for getting an apple shoved in your mouth like you’re the main course at a luau.

Jessica Simpson

“On my first day of junior high, I was in Geography class, and the teacher asked us if anybody knew the names of the continents. And I was sooo excited. I was like, ‘Damnit! It’s my first day of 7th grade, I’m in junior high and i know this answer.’ So i raised my hand I was the first one and I said ‘A-E-I-O-U!’”

~Jessica Simpson

I wonder if she realizes that those are vowels and not “consonants” by now. I’m guessing no.

Angelina Jolie

“I make it a point not to buy certain magazines, not because I am against tabloids or things like that, but I want to fill my mind with valid issues in the world.”

~Angelina Jolie

Somewhat ironic considering she sold pictures of her newborn to People magazine. Babies with faux hawks are the very definition of validity.