Drunk men have been known to attempt sex with objects that shouldn’t be sexed; trucks, animals, morbidly obese women. But Sean Patrick McDowell may have topped them all with his unwelcome advances on a 4-foot tall stuffed giraffe.
“He was apparently pretty enamored with it and decided he was taking it home,” said .
At about 1 a.m., Officer Theron Hull observed McDowell pick up the giraffe and simulate making sexual advances on it, [Sgt. Bob Smith with the Ashland Police Department] said.
“Then he turns and sees Officer Hull and so he puts the giraffe down and walks away,” he said.
Later, at about 2:30 a.m., just after the downtown bars had closed for the night, McDowell returned to the Bug A Boo storefront and again picked up the giraffe, Smith said. McDowell was walking with the giraffe toward a parking lot at Water and B streets when Hull apprehended him.
“It took a little more alcohol, but about an hour-and-a-half later, he decided to try it again,” Smith said.
This is so typical of the police. Why is it that a guy can’t just be happy without The Man sticking his nose in his business? Clearly the love affair between Mr. McDowell and the giraffe was meant to be. They had a flirtation, the giraffe didn’t respond enough to what McDowell was expressing, he tried to escape from what he was feeling but, as in all great love stories, he inevitably found himself back in the arms of his one true love. It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only if Juliet is a 4-foot tall giraffe who would have gotten awkwardly humped by a drunken Romeo until he rolled over ashamed and vomited on himself. Typical Montagues.
Plus the cops should know giraffes are whores anyway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Geoffrey the Giraffe wear pants. He’s practically begging for it.
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