
Considering that I’m only real-life friends with about a ninth of my Facebook friends, I spend a lot of time getting to know my Facebook friends based solely on their profile choices.
Uploading albums with names like Fall 2009 show me that you’re boring, while inviting me to join you on Farmville shows me that you’re currently single. But there is nothing more telling than the pictures people choose to use for their profile. This is often the one thing that shows up when people search for you so you pick the picture that best describes you. After all, how else will people know that you got really hot, really skinny… or even really straight teeth after you removed your adult braces.
However, there are 7 profile pictures that cause me to immediately defriend you — even if we did play doctor in the first grade.

1. Emo
We all have the black and white setting on our camera but that doesn’t mean we use it. I want to know what you look like face-on, not what you looks like in the shadows of a broken mirror. Take off the black nail polish, turn off the Dashboard Confessional, and try taking a picture of yourself smiling or in color. Don’t try both of those at once though, I wouldn’t want you to appear too happy.

I’m sorry, did you get Facebook confused with a modeling agency submission? Or perhaps you were just hoping your flawless skin posed “naturally” in front of a fake ocean backdrop would be confused for a candid shot. Not only is the headshot clearly photoshopped but your frighteningly piercing eyes cause me to feel like you’re staring at me through the computer screen. And the last thing I need to feel like when I’m Facebook stalking is like a stalker.

It’s hard not to be somewhat cute as a little kid. However that was 1979 and this is 2009, I don’t care what you looked like back then, I want to see if you would still look as cute in that Halloween sailor costume now. When you choose a profile picture taken over 20 years ago I can only assume that your looks peaked then and now walk around with a paper bag over your head.

Every time someone friends me with a newborn as their profile, I freak out that at some point I got so drunk I actually befriended a baby at the bar the night before (albeit a very technologically inclined baby). Sure your kid’s cute and every birth is a miracle but that doesn’t mean I want to sign on and see that your baby wrote on my wall or your baby tagged me in a photo. 18 years down the road, then we can talk about your baby poking me.

Brag a little more. We’ve all seen our fair share of celebrities, but don’t feel the need to jump in a picture and put it on Facebook for all to see. Try a little modesty and slip it into an album instead. I’ll applaud you for your class and then give you the requisite photo comment “omg so jeal you saw him!”

The last thing I need to do when I sign on to Facebook is to vomit all over my keyboard. You’ve made it abundantly clear through your relationship status, “in love” statuses, and over 400 couple albums that you are crazy and madly in love. There’s such a thing as over kill and putting that profile shot of you making out and dry humping on the beach is the definition of that. If I wanted softcore porn I would have logged into Myspace.

Facebook is my procrastination tool, not my Rolodex. I don’t want to go to stalk you and discover that you’ve gone from being my scrawny next door neighbor to looking like a logo. That’s great you have a promising professional life now but hiding behind your company’s golf fund raising flyer makes me think something went horribly wrong with your looks. Not only that, I think the success rate for people who see the fundraiser announcements and then attend it are between 0 and 0 percent.
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November 2, 2009
#1
Here’s an idea. If you’re so upset with facebook, stop using it. Asides from pretty much leaving no category uncovered, you’ve done a great job of telling everyone how lonely and bitter you are.
Go outside for once and meet people maybe?
November 2, 2009
#2
i couldn’t agree more about the headshot pic! leave it for your resume guys. and Jeff, you might want to read this article with a slight sense of sarcasm. don’t take it so seriously. i think she’s pin pointed how we’ve all felt at some point or another.
November 2, 2009
#3
I disagree. She didn’t cover all aread of Facebook. Because I’ve had 26 profile pictures in my social networking career thus far, and have yet to use any of these options.
So Jeff, looks like you’re the lonely one. I mean you’ve obviously used all of these tacky categories…
November 2, 2009
#4
I hate couple shots! I think they’re so tasteless. And I’m guessing Emo includes ANY pic that you take of yourself.
So to the big loser up there defending Facebook: Looks like you’re the one that’s unescorted and obviously in need of meeting some companionship if Facebook is in need of your protection.
Plus–one is the loneliest number…
November 2, 2009
#5
Um can you puh-leeze do a blog in general about promoting a company on Facebook? Like I sooo do not want to become a Fan of your Beeper Company, or your new internship. You know–the one where you work for the 500th Fashion-Website attempt in the past year? Not interested in finding out that bell bottoms are back in style.
Save the thousands of exclamation points in “promotion” for face to face salemanship. B/c IM REJECTIN’ THOSE INVITATIONS. YA HEARD?????
November 2, 2009
#6
I can excuse any of these except emo shots. It’s just sooo Myspace
November 2, 2009
#7
What’s Facebook? I haven’t come out of my Basement in years.
November 3, 2009
#8
Putting up childhood photos is one of the MOST important things to do if you are trying to find old friends, dumbass. You have got to be kidding about the headshot thing, right? I WANT to see clear shots of people’s faces! What you need to complain about are people who have no pictures of themselves! What about the idiots who use their dog as their profile pic, and that is their ONLY picture! Some people put up emo shots for fun, too. You don’t have to be emo to put up a fun little emo shot! Some of us might also want to put up a celeb photo because the meeting was a memorable occasion that we want to share! THE ONLY criticism I agree with is company promotion, keep that crap out of my person to person social site, it is so impersonal! You won’t have to worry about de-friending me because the request to be friends with someone who is so touchy would never be sent in the first place.
November 3, 2009
#9
Great to tell people what YOU think not to do. I hesitate to wonder what you’re profile picture looks like – the “I-Know-It-All-And-I-Am-Much-Better-Then-You-All” category – ….. Not! What a bunch of negativism. Get a life
November 3, 2009
#10
I totally agree with you. It drove me crazy to see them doing something so annoying. No. 2 and No. 6 had me ignore them for a while. Probably poke fun around on them. I guess. lol
November 3, 2009
#11
This article was clearly by a woman, and one that isn’t a very good journalist at that. Stupid.
November 3, 2009
#12
And if you hate couple shots then you are just fat and lonely. Go to an all you can eat buffet and wolf down your sorrows you cow.
November 3, 2009
#13
Hahaha – Brilliant! and the comments on here made me laugh even more… hehehe!
November 3, 2009
#14
I don’t like it when people have a pic of their pet or a pic of their kid as their main pic. It usually means they’re fat and/or ugly. Or if they have a close-up pic of their eyes or lips, it usually means they’re fat and are trying to take the focus off their body.
November 4, 2009
#15
I love how seriously some people are taking this. This was just for fun. Everyone gripes about trivial things once in a while.
And I so agree with the emo picture thing. Facebook =/= Myspace. No one cares about how brooding and artistic you are.
November 4, 2009
#16
Overall this is really funny… thanks for the laugh.
I had a headshot pic up for a while, and I got a lot of nice comments on it. While I had that one up, I was also voted #1 “Person with the Best Profile Picture” on the “Compare People” application, which is totally anonymous, so people voting are very honest. So I don’t think everyone agrees with you about the headshot. I’ve had 26 different profile photos and 25 of them are recent and candid, but I liked the headshot one too.
I just posted mine because I liked it, but a lot of companies now check applicants’ social networking profiles, so I think a headshot makes sense.
Almost all of my Facebook friends are real life friends. I have made a few friends through Facebook through one of the apps, but we talk all the time and have really gotten to know one another. If you really defriend someone based on a profile pic (and are not just totally joking about that), I don’t think they should have ever been on your friends list in the first place… that’s pretty fake.
November 4, 2009
#17
You’re on Facebook; you’ve already failed as a human being. Complaining about it is just herpes on the AIDs infected cake. Also, you sound fat.
November 4, 2009
#18
Eh… every kind of facebook photo is somewhat obnoxious. But then, facebook is an incredibly obnoxious site. But, we all use it anyway; so no point in really being mad when we see something on there that makes us wanna punch a baby.
November 4, 2009
#19
Wow, people taking things too personally never ceases to amaze me. Great article. And yes Joey this article was obviously written by a woman…..considering her name and picture is clearly at the top of the article. Did you even read it? Or just glance though, realize you have half of those pictures on YOUR facebook and make some sort of macho comment to make you feel better? haha
November 4, 2009
#20
Couples kissing is probably the worst one on there. Ad the baby one can get confusing because you don’t know who the hell it is. its some baby you have probably never seen and they all look the same. just keep the picture of you on there and its all good.
http://keepahoetrue.com
November 4, 2009
#21
i smell some sexism, joey.
November 6, 2009
#22
I’m just glad to see such a mixed opinion of the article… I’m somewhat torn between “Judgemental B****” and “I see your point”… I really kind of dig people’s choice in their photos… however, I do think that a photo that does not clearly show yourself is impersonal and not worth my attention at best; weak and insecure more likely.
I will say, headshot photos and childhood photos I actually really like. They show people at their best, which to me is admirable; you took the time to get a professional photo taken? There’s nothing more authentic than a chipper, playful kid not at a all minding his mom and her camera. Celeb photos are pretty cool too; but to earn merit as a default pic, it should be recent otherwise it just shows you don’t really have anything going on in your life.
… just my two cents
November 6, 2009
#23
…. what’s with all the “J” names decided to comment? There’s like five or six in a row… this whole thing is fake!!! a joke!!! a ruse!!! and the culprit is obviously not very creative!!!
LMAO
November 8, 2009
#24
also shouldve added “glamour shots” I dont need to see a 50 yr old tryin to look 20 by piles of makeup and a feather boa lmao
November 9, 2009
#25
I’m so confused. How does one “sound fat”?
November 9, 2009
#26
Re: sounding fat
If you talk about putting bacon on ice cream, you probably sound fat
November 10, 2009
#27
hi
November 24, 2009
#28
the writer of this article should get a life, and maybe stop looking at everyone else's through fb.
November 24, 2009
#29
p.s. the headshot guy is hot.
November 25, 2009
#30
and look who has a headshot as their picture!!!
November 25, 2009
#31
as for the headshot…. some of us actually network on Facebook. Imagine that.
I actually have a life outside the internet. So Facebook isn't my place for socializing, but a place to spread my name around. To people who can potentially come to Vegas and catch my show.There would be no way to place a regular photo of myself if I'm trying to communicate that I'm a professional.
The only one I truly have issues with is the couple one. As for the celeb, I care less. If it makes that person feel happy… than so be it. But unlike the author, I actually have met a lot of the people on my friend list.
November 25, 2009
#32
you put all of this up because you are jealous. end of story haha. oh and get off facebook if it bothers you so much. get over yourself. have a nice day
November 25, 2009
#33
WOW, THis Is RETART, its only face book.. so therefore we should be able to put any kind of picture. so who cares if ppl defriend you, can you really consider them a true friend or some one in the internet. lik come on, as long as you like the pics you put on, then tell the other ppl to fuck off.
November 25, 2009
#34
Well Jenni, I've seen your profile picture and I don't want to be your FB friend either. You're a little judgemental for my liking. Perhaps you should get out more and stop looking for serious friendships through profile pics. Some of us just like to kill time and chat with friends. You obviously need something a bit more involved.
Get over yourself. If I ever met you in person, I'd throw rocks at you
December 1, 2009
#35
I don't see the problem with most of them, but advertisements? If you put advertisements on your Facebook than you need to get a life.
December 28, 2009
#36
You've come across as someone trying to have a set of higher standards and insulting to those with sense of humor!!!
December 28, 2009
#37
You've come across as someone trying to have a set of higher standards and insulting to those with sense of humor!!!
January 13, 2010
#38
If anyone is gonna talk sh!t about myface and shwitter, this is where they should start. The only point that really matters is the content that people put in their wall posts and updates…stupid sh!t like “eating a granola bar” or “is so lonely”. Girls usually say stuff that should make men think that they are sexy and health consious, while guys imply to girls things that make themselves look sensitive and thoughtful… OMG It is so easy to see right through this sh!t as it is annoyingly obvious. But the point is to be yourself. And if people make joke comments, dont be upset because u set yourself up for it.
Sometimes I like that people have obnoxious photographs, its like a warning to “stay away”. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so if u like the ocean, ur pic may be u in the ocean. Who cares? I like the fact that most people dont take themselves too serious. But I have to say, if ur using these sites for dating, ur already doing things wrong. Go to dedicated sites for this, this way the stalkers u encounter wont be able to annoy ur friends on these “social friend” sites. And remember, similar rules apply. If ur a bitch, ur profile will likely reflect that, same goes for if ur a douchebag, and if either of these are u, its very likely that u will be a habitual dating site user anyway, meaning that u have atleast 3+ dating site profiles(the more the merrier, right?).
So to u Jenni, I would think more about ur audience next time, considering u invite us to follow u on the twit. I think the Emo joke was ur strongest bit, and u knew it, thats why u started out with it(and u shouldve ended with it). But the rest seemed like overly “whitty” filler, though not very whitty, especially considering that ur own pic is quite questionable. U laying ur pumpkinhead over ur neatly folded paws… LOL! JK. But it sure is a lovely and thoughtful pic of u on ur best behaviour.
Love ya Doll!
Signed,
Anonymous Douchebag