Every guy on the planet talks to their buddies about women. We talk about how you look, how you dress, how you act when you’re with your friends, about that time you did that thing and told us to never talk about it, but that we couldn’t NOT tell our friends about. As one of my best friends used to say, “There’s always a girl and a story…”

Now, I’m guessing that if a guy knows a woman that partakes in any of these activities is talked about often. These are not rules or even “secrets,” I guess, but more along the lines of ways to score bonus points with men of the male persuasion. We want to see every woman do these things, but understandably most women do not enjoy the same activities most males enjoy. Hence this list. It’s no big deal. Doing these things simply makes some women more awesome than other women.

Ladies, no one is asking you to cure cancer here. Just why not try doing one of these things once in awhile?

Play fantasy football

Most women have no idea why their husband/boyfriend is so upset on Sunday afternoons. Usually they don’t understand why Maurice Jones-Drew should have gotten more carries. Most women won’t understand the agony of a Brett Favre interception thrown within 5 seconds of the end of the game or the joy that a seemingly meaningless field goal can have on your life. We’d love to explain it to you if you want to play; otherwise it’s another Sunday of being confused why we hate our best friend for having an “Adrian Peterson” on his team. It’s not enough to know that Donovan McNabb is overrated. You should want to know why…

Dress in the slutty Halloween costume

We didn’t get all dressed up as Chewbacca so we could go home with lady Chewbacca. If women weren’t dressed as hot Little Bo Peeps, men would stay home and find ways to screw with the heads of neighborhood kids collecting candy. We secretly all want to go to a Halloween party to see the girl that can pull off the sexy nurse costume. Or the sluttiest version or Rainbow Bright possible. Slutty Strawberry Shortcake, slutty pirate, slutty Gumby and of course the highly underrated sexy cat/kitten/Catwoman outfit. And don’t get angry when every other guy you meet asks you to purr for him…

Play video games

You see each other from across the room…you quietly wander over…a slight breeze fills the room…your eyes lock…KILLSHOT! EAT IT, N00B!

Look, men of my age have a predisposition for video games. We grew up on Ninetendo and Mountain Dew. When a new system comes out, we’ll talk about it and when Madden comes out we pretend our spleen burst so we can take the day off from work. If we find a girl that ca hold her own in something other than Mario Cart. We want a girl who plays Madden (not beats us in Madden) and a girl that enjoys the poetic carnage of Grand Theft Auto. We want a girl who plays Halo!

Watch porn

That video with the woman dressed as a clown being assaulted by 15 midgets who jump out of the trunk of a 78‘ Datsun may be pushing it, but billions of dollars of porn is sold every year and it can’t be all men who are buying it. It’s not that we want to do all those things to you; it’s that we want to do most of those things to you. There is nothing a man wants to hear more while watching adult entertainment than “ Hey, WE should try that…” (Bonus if it’s a scene with two or more ladies.) “Sure honey, I’ll get fifteen feet of bungee chord and a bucket of ice! You find the cheerleader outfit, billy goat and butter churner!”

Have a sense of humor

“I just want a guy with a sense of humor…”

Women can sometimes say this to look less shallow in a crowd of people; men say it because they like a girl who will actually laugh at his sometimes ridiculous antics. I’m not talking about laughing hysterically about every fart or fart joke you hear (we will do that for you), but as you well know, most men are morons. Much like a 5 year old on a diving board–we purposely do stupid things sometimes just to see if you’re still paying attention. Hello? Are you still reading this? I’m writing this to make you laugh, Sara!! Sometimes you can get mad and yell when we deserve it, but most of the time we just want you to laugh with us…even when we are intentionally being stupid. Life is too short to date someone who doesn’t fully appreciate your act.

Don’t take him shoe shopping

Look ladies, men don’t like shoe shopping. Let me rephrase that–straight men don’t like shoe shopping. Most would rather be bludgeoned to death with their own pair of Adidas. Look, it’s not that we don’t like spending time with you; we just don’t feel comfortable in a women’s shoe store. I blame Al Bundy, but it’s just a fact of life. We’ll be at the food court at Sbarro. Come get us when it’s time to go to Victoria’s Secret.

Stop asking questions you don’t really want the answer to

Do we think your mother is being unreasonable? Can we stay sober watching football with your friends? Do those pants make you look fat? You already know the answer. We love you, we really do, but trying to test our love for you while reaffirming your self esteem by asking questions you already know the answers to is both annoying and terrifying. I mean, we always know the answer, but it’s difficult to always judge giving you the answer you actually want to hear.

Don’t be “That Girl” when we go out on New Years, St. Patrick’s Day, etc.

In every group of at least five females there is always one. You know she is “the one” immediately after seeing her. Jagerbombing it up at 6 pm while everyone else is eating dinner. Then a few hours later she has to be dragged out of a club while projectile vomiting onto everyone and everything in her path while screaming “I’m not that drunk. I just need to sit down for a second. I‘m gonna call my ex-boyfriend.” Yeah, she’s great isn’t she? Men love to have fun with a girl who can hold her liquor and have a good time while doing so, but just don’t be that girl. Please?

And a tip for the guys: If you have found a girl that does all of these things–MARRY HER! She don’t mean a thing if she ain’t got that bling. Come on guy, you’re just being dumb now. Better lock it up!