Twilight: New Moon had the third biggest opening weekend ever, further signaling America’s losses in its war against obese teenage girls (We won The Battle of Myspace, but find ourselves in even more dire straits). But since it’s clearly a major story, we should cover it in some way. Here’s a magazine article, artfully edited, that reveals the essence of the Twilight films.

GET IT? BECAUSE IT’S GAY! HAHAHAHA TAKE THAT, THINGS THAT BRING OTHER PEOPLE JOY.

I’m ashamed to admit I was coerced into watching the first one on DVD with my fortunately-not-looking-like-a-typical-Twilight-fan girlfriend. It was easily one of the most poorly acted movies I’ve ever seen. Robert Pattinson might as well actually be a reanimated corpse. There was better dead guy romantic chemistry in Weekend at Bernie’s. Jonathan Silverman would always say that Bernie Lomax was a giving lover, if not the most vocal.

[Reddit]