Did you know that there were still Blockbuster stores and, not only that, but that they have people working in them? Oh the crazy things you learn on the Internet. Anyway some 29 year-old guy in Colorado was very intelligent, as evidenced in his employment at Blockbuster, and stabbed himself just to get out of work.

“Stab me in the side, Carl, that way I don’t have to do these commercials any more.”

A 29-year-old man who claimed he was attacked and stabbed by three people – skinheads or Hispanic males – confessed Monday night that he stabbed himself because he didn’t want to go to work, Edgewater Police said today.

The man, Aaron Siebers, walked into his employer, the Blockbuster Video store at 1921 Sheridan about 6:30 p.m. Monday, and reported the attack. He said the trio was dressed in black.

Siebers, of Denver, had a deep stab wound to the lower leg plus several superficial knife wounds, according to Steve Davis, spokesman for the Edgewater Police Department.

Davis said detectives went to the hospital and interviewed Siebers and also reviewed videos from a nearby Target store, which had numerous surveillance cameras. A review of the cameras showed no attack had taken place near the Target store as Siebers claimed, said Davis.

“If you are going to concoct a story about being stabbed, don’t do it near a Target store,” said Davis.

I have an even better idea: Don’t concoct a story about being stabbed. Has this Siebers guy ever heard of faking a cough or a sore throat or a drug addiction? Stabbing yourself has to be about number 200 on the list of ideas on how to get out of your minimum wage job for the day, right ahead of “Give boss a reacharound” but just behind “Walk on your hands into store and say your body somehow lost gravity.”

Also, if you were legitimately stabbed, would your first instinct be to go to your job, bleeding profusely, and then go “I can’t come in today”? I’d imagine my first response would be to roll over in pain and seek help, not stumble to work and inform Joe Blockbuster that I can’t stock the 100 new copies of All About Steve that we got in since it’s a guaranteed release and dammit the public needs to see Sandra Bullock in absurd situations in her quest for love (in that one, I bet she makes a silly face and thinks that things are going well but they’re so obviously not!).

[Denver Post]