Many of you will be heading out to New Year’s Eve parties this year in order to celebrate the dawn of a brand new new decade. Some of you will be going to small soirees, while others will be going to massive blowouts. No matter where you celebrate, your drink of choice will end up saying a lot about how you want the evening to turn out. Whether you are the wine sipper or the beer guzzler–others will judge you by your choice of drink. And I’ve been to enough parties to tell you a little bit about how things are going to play out…

Beer

You are here to party. You want to play some beer pong, or some cards, or how many beers can I funnel in an hour without blacking out. You are here for the long run. You are here to be social and loud. People will play games with you and they will like it. At some point, you will run out of beer and make a last ditch effort to find more beer at 4 AM. It will be futile. When you get back, everyone will be passed out. You’ll probably then piss everyone off by waking them up.

Tequila

You are here to get laid. There will be screaming and laughing and quite possibly, body shots. You will be the first one drunk and the first one to puke. You will more than likely be the loudest, slurringist person for the first two hours of the party and after that, people will tire of your act. Then someone will probably have to put you in a bed with a bucket before the night is out. The next day will be awful.

Champagne

It says I have money, I have class, and tomorrow, I’ll have an ungodly hangover that’ll make me give up all the money and class I have to get rid of it. Take pride in the fact that only Ballers get the dreaded “champagne headache.”

Whiskey

You want to end the year in a fight. People who drink whiskey are usually out to get loudy and rowdy. And when you combine that with the excitement and leniency of a holiday where everyone is in the same boat, usually whiskey drunks will take advantage of everyone’s good will. The wildness level usually creeps up on everyone throughout the night. “Oh, leave him alone it’s New Years.” “Oh let him yell, it’s New Years.” “Please officer, loosen up the handcuffs, it’s New Years!”

Rum and Coke

You’ll probably be fun as long as you don’t overdo it. You’ll be drunk, but rum never usually makes you so drunk that you can’t be reasoned with. Just don’t go around to every cute girl lifting you leg up and asking “would you like a little Captain in you?” And if the rum to Coke ratio goes any higher than 1:1, it’s time to put the bottle down. And no 151…

Wine

I’m a woman. Or a man over the age of 40. I’m just here to get a little buzzed and watch the party take place around me. If I’m a man over the age of 40, I’m either around a party of people of my own age or didn’t want to spend New Year’s alone in my apartment. If I’m a woman, I probably don’t like beer very much, but might be able to be talked into having a mixed drink once I get a little tipsy or run out of wine. Unless it’s wine in a box. Because we all know that a 5 gallon box of wine means that you came to get down on the get down.

Coke/Water

I don’t care that you’re a bear, you are talking to the cops.

Long Island Iced Tea

You’re probably going to die. Well, qt least go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. An LIT on a hard drinking night like New Years tells people that you don’t give a damn about the health or safety of you or others around you. You are going to be that guy/girl and your friends are going to have to drag you down the street as you projectile vomit into your party hat like that scene in the Exorcist. Someone will have to take care of you at some point during the night. You will be buying people lunch the next day.

Mad Dog 20/20

You’re homeless or have given up on life.

Jagermeister

You are crazy and your favorite TV show is probably Jersey Shore. Anyone who brings Jagermeister to a party is ready to commit a felony. You stand in the corner of the kitchen yelling, “Who wants to do a shot of Jager!?!” You are the most likely to throw up in a houseplant or on a fellow party go-er. Even the girl doing jello shots is laughing at you. You just puked on yourself. Now your pants are off…and here come the cops.

Grain Alcohol

The riot is over. You are already in jail.