Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Casinos: Places where large sums of cash are won and lost all based on the risk you’re willing to take. The American Dream in all it’s glory. And while there are a lot of different places you can legally gamble in this country, you will tend to see some of the same types of people in almost every casino you enter. From the Bellagio in Las Vegas to Harrah’s in New Orleans to the Tropicana in A.C., these are a few of the people you’ll probably encounter either at the tables or on your third trip to the ATM.

9 The old lady playing slots
She’ll be dressed in a floral shirt and one of those neon visors that say either “Las Vegas” or “Branson, Missouri” on it and will be equipped with a fanny pack full of nickels that would put the Dept of Treasury to shame. And she’ll sit in front of a row of slot machines and carefully feed change into each individual machine and pull the lever over and over again with her little bucket for winnings. Does she come out a winner? Hard to tell, but she certainly gets her money’s worth in entertainment value and free drinks. I hope she wins that Viper.

8 The guy who just lost a bundle
Ever see that guy who seems to be wandering the casino floor aimlessly; he looks like a lost puppy dog who’s just seen a ghost? That’s probably the guy who just took out a second mortgage on his house to play one more hour at the baccarat table and from the looks of it, he’s probably going to moving himself into a YMCA next week. It’s always terrible to see and he serves as a warning to other patrons of just how quickly you can lose a wallet full of cash and have your dreams of wealth come crashing down in the buzz of slot machines and flashing neon lights. Sometimes he’s the guy looking aimlessly at his reflection in the elevator banks and sometimes he’s the guy at the corner of the casino bar softly crying into his gin and tonic. Either way, he is not the guy you want to be when leaving a casino.

7 The guy who has no idea what he’s doing
The person is always like Peter Griffin in that clip from Family Guy– “Sir, you have 20. Hit me. 21. Hit me. That‘s 30. Hit me…” He or she is the bane of the guy sitting at the end of the table reading “The World’s Greatest Blackjack Book” and meticulously betting according to how the book says to play each hand. And while not everyone will like this person, he or she is obviously there to have a good time and hopefully win some money and get a little tipsy in the process. And that’s what casinos are for aren’t they?

6 The cocktail waitress who has seen it all before
There’s usually one in almost every casino you go to. The woman that wants nothing more than for people order a drink and leave her alone. Probably because she’s taken on more hits by drunken gamblers than a Ted Williams Louisville Slugger; she looks a bit haggard and somewhat beleaguered by the years of smoke filled rooms and years of obnoxious patrons grabbing her ass. She’s just trying to get through her shift with enough tips to make the rent this month and only wants to know what kind of beer you’d like. Some stories she could tell would probably run shivers down your spine, but she doesn’t have the patience to make conversation. So just tip her and have your drink order ready before you get into an ugly scene that you most likely want no part of.

5 The Whale
Most gamblers would have a better chance of seeing a whale in the wild than they would seeing a whale in a casino (unless Steve Wynn opened an aquatic themed hotel). They are the big spenders who have special tables in the back reserved for people of their own unique economic status. They don’t have the time to gamble for mere dollars; they need a stack full of chocolate chips and a hospitable dealer. They could win or lose millions in just a few minutes, but the perks of large sum gambling are that they don’t have to sit next to the mortal gamblers, who live and die with every roll of dice. They can play alone and let it ride on red without anyone bothering them or getting in the way of their hot streak.

4 The Cooler
This person is part urban legend and part gambler’s imagination; a “cooler” is supposedly a dealer who comes in to kill the mojo when a table is hot. If you’ve ever seen a dealer on the ride to Bust City where everyone around you is consistently winning, a change in a dealer can often be a major disruption to the flow of a table. While we all understand that the order of the cards aren’t changing, the mere fact that a streak of good luck has been broken can often cause a gambler to feel that a new dealer is bringing bad juju. But, come on! Sometimes the casinos have to be doing this on purpose, right? We were winning over here till you showed up! I’m going to a different table…

3 The huge bouncer
He’s there and he does not want to hear or put up with any of your drunken antics. You want to sing “More than a Feeling” while spilling beer all over a table, then you are going to have to do it in your kitchen at home. And this gentleman is going to help you get there; even if he has to drag your drunken-ass out to the curb by your ankles. He will not stand for you throwing-up on fellow patrons, passing-out on the roulette wheel, or slapping the table and screaming “MONKEY” (trust me on that last one). You may see him going into the casino, but chances are you won’t see him again until it’s too late and unlike a washing machine, he does not have a gentle cycle.

2 The guy who doesn’t care about losing money
Sometime there is a guy (it could be a woman, but usually not) who just goes into casinos to specifically to piss people off. He throws around cash like it’s nothing and will give you a hard time when you hit a rough streak at the craps table. It’s not about the money to him, it’s about making everyone around him feel small and miserable. He’s the Donald Trump of casino douche bags and like Trump, it’s all “LOOK AT ME!” He wants to be seen and heard because mommy didn’t pay enough attention to him as a child. Where is that bouncer when you really need him?

1 The drunk guy that seems to be lost
Sometimes you’ll see a guy that is just wasted out of his mind and stumbling through the maze of slot machines like someone who has just had a flash grenade go off in front of them. It’s 4 AM and he’s mumbling something about losing a boat load of money playing Keno at the Luxor… PLEASE, will you just help me get back to my room. I’d greatly appreciate it and thank you in advance.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Men can’t carry purses. Let me rephrase that — Men can’t carry purses without (a) wearing a dress (b) being relentlessly mocked by friends and co-workers (c) losing a bet (d) all of the above.

Women have it easy because depending on the purse, they could carry a watermelon around and no one would notice. But men need to fit everything we need into a neat and compact pouch of leather. We have to plan ahead to make sure we have everything we need for the day securely tucked into our Velcro Superman Wallet. And here are a few of the things you and Superman need to have on you at all times.

9 $20 cash
For the most part, everybody needs to have a certain amount of money in their wallet at all times, regardless of social status. Some people would need more than a Jackson in their wallet, but for most of us a quick twenty will suffice in most situations. Almost all businesses take debit/credit cards now, but every once in awhile you’ll run into a situation where cash is needed. Maybe you go to a bar that doesn’t take credit, or you overdraw on your bank card because you forgot to cash a paycheck and you need money for cab fare home. Or maybe you just need to grease the palm of a bouncer to get into a bar or that of a Juarez police officer to get out of a bunch of bars. It’s just good to have a bit of liquidity at all times. It’s comforting to know that you always have a bit of cash stashed in the wallet for unforeseen situations.

8 Photo ID
I mean, everyone reading this probably has some sort of identification on them. Some of you may have more than one type. Some of you, for example, may have an ID that says you are 20 and enrolled in college for getting student discount purposes. Some may have ID that says you are 65 so you can try and get your senior citizen discount. Others have ID that says you’re from Canada when you’re actually from the United States, so when you travel around the world people won’t immediately hate you. And still others of you that are 18 have an ID that says your 25 and you live in Yuma — for beer buying or gambling purposes. Pick and choose which ID works for you at your own discretion.

7 The business card of an lawyer
Sh*t happens. And for a lot of us it happens quite frequently. For the most part, that is what that spare $20 in your wallet is for. A few bucks exchanges hands and all is forgiven. However, there are some situations that will call for more drastic measures. There are auto accidents, egregious wrongdoings, and situations far beyond your control that call for legal representations. Unless you yourself are a lawyer, it’s always good to have the number of someone you can call when things escalate over your legal comprehension. Otherwise, well, let’s just hope you look good in an orange jumpsuit.

6 A condom
If you are a red-blooded male, you probably already have a condom stashed away somewhere in your wallet. For Mrs. Right, you will need to sink a few months worth of paychecks to put a ring on her finger. For Ms. Right-Now, you need to invest a few dollars to make sure you don’t get yourself into any paternity suits. Does that sound crude, ladies? Well, we both want to do this without getting anyone knocked-up. So gentleman, be a gentleman, and always be ready when your drunken charm somehow manages to allow you to go home with a young lady (for some reason unbeknownst to you) that would like to know you in the Biblical sense.

5 Credit card
Credit cards can get you into a lot of trouble financially. This isn’t to say you absolutely need to have one in your wallet to buy that “wicked talking parrot” you saw at the pet store, but having a VISA could come in handy when you are in dire straights. Sometimes situations arise that you have no control over and may need more cash than you currently have at your disposal to amend. This is the real reason that credit cards are around. Not because you absolutely, positively, have to go see Phish at the Hollywood Bowl.

4 Matches
Either a pack of them or one or two strike anywhere matches will do. It’s another one of those worst case scenario type of things. You never know when you are going to need to strike up (I know, I punched myself for making that pun) a conversation with a young lady who is smoking or maybe you get lost in the desert or the woods and you need to start a fire in order to stay alive. A lot of us aren’t boy scouts, so keep some fire close because you just never know when you’ll need it.

3 The phone number of someone to bail you out of jail
Yeah, you probably know the number of your best friend or your (ex) girlfriend by heart and could recite it backwards and forwards right now. But let’s say you’ve accidentally drank 20 Jager bombs, or maybe you accidentally took a few ecstasy pills to impress that girl in the Rainbow Bright t-shirt that you always see in the elevator at your apartment building. And let’s say that the police found you covered in vomit, sans pants and petting a stray dog in an alley in downtown Los Angeles. Can you remember that number now? That’s why you always write it down and keep it in your wallet. I don’t care what that dog says, your buddies number is not 867-5309. Talking dogs always have a tendency to lie. ALWAYS!

2 Something to write with
Sure, in today’s world of cell phones and GPS systems, it seems a bit archaic to carry a pencil around, but like everyone that you love, electronics will die at some point. So if you need to jot something down quickly, it’s good to have some sort of writing utensil at your disposal. I recommend keeping a golf pencil in your wallet. It’s small, it won’t run out of ink and you can easily transcribe anything you need to on the back of that Denny’s receipt. You never know when your cell phone is going to die, so you should always be able to take down a number or an address the old fashioned way.

1 Spare key
This is a tricky one seeing as if you lose your wallet and someone finds it, they could just use your ID to find your house and go steal all of your stuff. But it’s usually a good idea to at least keep a spare car key in your wallet in case you accidentally lock your keys and your baby inside at the same time. It happens to all of us at some point in time (the key locking thing, not necessarily the baby) and it can be extremely frustrating. A better option would be keep a spare car key in your wallet and a spare house key hidden in your car. That way you can alleviate some of the worry about losing your wallet and all of your electronics in the same day.

Any other suggestions? Leave them in the comments below.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Guys like things. We often work very hard to acquire these things. Guys shop with purpose. We go shopping for items that make our living space more comfortable and more importantly, we are shopping for things that will make other guys envious. However, sometimes we have a tendency to buy items that make it more difficult for us to leave or places of residence. For men, it’s not shoes, stylish dresses and new purses we are shopping for. We need “man” stuff. Things like popular electronic devices, a new driver, or a sex robot. Wait, a sex robot?

The items below are things a man might buy for himself at some point during his lifetime. Unfortunately, these items all tend to have a tendency to make guys want to sequester ourselves in our apartment for weeks at a time. We may never leave our house. Our women will pout and will eventually tire of the act and try to drag us out into the sunlight and public eye, but we don’t want to leave. It’s just entirely too awesome in here. These items make it so.

7 A Grill
Men like grilling. It’s just something in our blood. Have you ever seen just one guy by himself in a Home Depot looking at grills? No. There is usually a group of guys all looking at grills; usually arguing about stainless steel options and thermal units they have no real understanding of. It’s a big purchase for most guys (when buying a grill we always buy way more than we need), so we need to factor in out friends’ opinions. And when we get it home and assembled, it’s time to grill. And grill we shall. For every meal for the next month. “Honey, we don’t need to go grab something to eat. We can grill.” “Honey, why don’t you just invite everyone over here and we’ll have a few drinks and grill.” The urge to grill eventually subsides, but women will always be haunted by the statement “That’s why we bought the grill!”

6 A Massive HDTV
Another one of those purchases that takes more than one male arguing about horizontal scan lines and Blu-ray capability at a Best Buy. All guys can agree that watching sports on these televisions is almost better than being at the actual game. Hell, with a comfortable couch, a couple of buddies and beer that cost less than $11 a piece, it’s usually more enjoyable. The grass on the field becomes greener. The video games become more realistic. And the likelihood of a man leaving his television when a major sporting event is taking place becomes that much more unlikely. And have you seen the number of football games on ESPN in December? Just pencil me out of Christmas shopping this year because between the Meineke Car Care Bowl and the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, I’m just not going to have time for anything till February.

5 A Playstation 3/Xbox 360 with internet connection
Hey, remember all those guys from college I used to stay up all night drinking and playing video games with? I can start having all that fun again with this Xbox and this headset! Isn’t that awesome? Well, it would be if most guys could pull themselves away from an epic Halo battle, or the gritty realism of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. “Sweetheart, I just really can’t go to your sister’s art opening because I’m at WAR, right now!” “I can’t go to bed because I’m kicking Klaus from Hamburg’s ass right now. It’s the Germans, baby! If we would have rolled over and gone to sleep the last time the Germans invaded — we’d all be “die Deutsch sprechen,” right now. And I will not sleep, bathe, eat, go to work, socialize or leave this couch until I know our borders are safely secure on this Playstation 3!” I don’t have one because of this reason, but I have to admit the games are pretty sick. And when they get “too sick,” this happens.

4 Internet porn
Have you seen the amount of porn on the Internet? Go check, I have some time. Isn’t that insane? You can’t type any word without a porn site popping up in your search queue. Type “Teacher” — porn pops up. “The Brady Bunch” — porn pops up. “White Christmas” — I don‘t really want to think about how they‘ve twisted that one around, but I’m sure that lots of crazy stuff. My point is that it is awesome! All men think about is sex and then someone created something that actually thinks about sex ten times more than we do and then made it free to watch. Like a man’s love for nude and semi-nude women, Internet porn is the real never-ending story. And have you gotten the emails, tweets, and pop-ups about Web cam sites? Strippers don’t even have to leave the house anymore! It’s truly an amazing time we live in. But, some guys will never leave the comfort of the warm glow of their personal computer because of the mesmerizing power of a woman’s bare breast. Probably closer to thousands of bare breasts. Oh, and that clown on the unicycle…

3 A Massage Chair
Beautiful. Comfortable. Built in seat warmer… it’s like sitting on a cloud full of tiny masseuses. After a hard day at the office or at the dog track, it’s always nice to come home to a piece of furniture that can melt you to its leather and kneading the stress out of your lower back. Massage chair, beer and ESPN; the most comfortable and relaxing way to unwind after work. Three beers later and we aren’t leaving the apartment tonight unless there is a fire or the Victoria’s Secret bus breaks down in front of our house. And even then a guy would probably think, “If I get out of this chair, I’ll get meet Marissa Miller. If I stay in the chair, I’m comfortable and definitely won’t have to change a tire… ah, screw ‘em. I think they’re all married anyway.”

2 A sex robot
Sex Robot. What is that some sort of band or something? It’s a what?

First of all, that face is terrifying. I’m sure millions of dollars went into the development of the production of Roxxy and that was the best face and voice you could give her? I’m pretty sure that having sex with that would give me unrelenting nightmares and months of therapy, but I’m sure there are many men lining up to get their hands *ahem* among other things on one of the most carnal of technological feats. In 100 years we went from traveling across the Oregon Trail by horse and carriage to sex robot. It’s both wildly astounding and somewhat depressing. But you can rest assured that if these robots become will probably become way less creepy looking/somewhat socially acceptable at some point in the future. And when that day when robotic Megan Fox comes out… a large population of the male population will simply disappear.

1 The combination of all of the above into one awesome “Mancave”
And there a are the select few that have compiled all of the items above into a giant “Mancave.” Bears, like men, will hibernate in their caves during the winter — because that’s when all the good sports are on. Everyone knows that. There are probably guys reading this while sequestered deep in their cave like Batman on Labor Day. Guyism salutes you guys for building your own perfect “manspace.” And we don’t expect you to leave it any time soon. If the outside world needs you they will come and get you. So, turn on your massage chair and have Roxxy pour you a stiff drink. Just sit here and relax while perusing Guyism’s backlog of humorous articles and pictures for the rest of the day. You’ve earned it, Champ.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends and during holidays to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Look, I should first say that I don’t have any problem with Internet pornography or adult film actresses. There is a very substantial list of reasons why dating a porn actress would possibly be one of the most awesome things to happen in your life. For starters, you can get that “My other ride is a porn star” bumper sticker you always wanted to slap on your Jetta! And I’m sure there are other (mind-blowing) things that would be make a relationship of this sort both exciting and fascinating (maybe terrifying). Yet, from a male perspective, I feel like doing so would be a burden on your sanity. There are a lot of things to consider before entering into a relationship with an adult film actress.

8 Every guy will hit on her
There is something mysterious about a woman that attracts us to them in the first place. History tells us that most men will treat a woman differently after sleeping with her. However, porn stars seem to unlock what we’ll call the “I’ve seen you naked” Paradox. Consider how many men watch porn (according to studies, it’s somewhere around 100%) and factor in the fact that the people who have seen you girlfriend naked will literally be everywhere you go. Most men would see an attractive woman who is way out of his league and would simply leave her alone or halfheartedly hit on her. But this man has seen your lady do the nasty so many times that through the transitive property of the horny male mind, he has a shot with her no matter his looks, location, or social status.

The fact that someone is a porn star is often misconstrued by men as “she’ll be most likely to have sex with me because it is her job, after all.” And while you may be basking in the thought of sleeping with one; you probably couldn’t be more off-base. But, if you were dating an adult actress, men would hit on her everywhere she went. Of course this happens with every beautiful woman, but coupled with the delusion that every guy that hits on her in a grocery store probably thinks shes going to immediately take them to their car and change their life sexually in the back row of the Trader Joe’s parking lot — you have a makings of a potentially volatile situation every time you go out in public.

7 You are going to get into fights with other dudes
No guy likes when other dudes are creeping on his girlfriend, but when guys at in the line at 7-11 start using the opening line “I’d like to give you like a footlong? And it’s not the one in my hand…” What the hell are you supposed to do? Obviously, you would have to confront the guy. But can you blame him? That was an awesome line and I mean come on, when is this guy gonna get another chance to use a gem like that? Answer: Probably never.

But that’s your girl. You have to do the “Hey, Buddy. Who you talking to?” routine and more than likely a scuffle of some sort will end with either fisticuffs or an exchange of sharp language in the parking lot. And this would happen all the damn time. Everywhere you go someone will say something crude or grab her ass. In simple terms: The inappropriate level that your woman brings out in people of the general public will be off the damn charts. So go out and purchase a pair of boxing gloves, a Bowflex, and the most comprehensive health insurance plan that you can afford; you are going to need to be fit and ready to fight at all times.

6 Everything she does will be “well documented”
It’s not like she used to be stripper and you can maybe keep a lid on or keep a low profile. Once you go into porn, you are always in porn. There will be pictures, films and Web sites all devoted to her and what she does for a living floating around for the rest of time. It is the least discreet occupation a person can have. And it will more than likely be an inescapable part of her life. If you decided at some point that you wanted to move somewhere and get a fresh start, you’d still probably find people that knew who your girlfriend was. The internet is, like, everywhere. They even have it in Delaware.

5 She will be probably be hot. People will notice that. They will whisper…
Many adult film actresses have had ample work done on their faces and maybe boosted a few key areas with some silicone during their time in the Valley. How you look on camera is more important than anything else in the porn industry. So other men and women are going to notice her as you are out and about. Not all of them, but enough to catch you attention and maybe make you a little paranoid. It’s the good kind of paranoid until you realize what people are thinking about when they see her. Probably most embarrassing if she has had some work done on her chest area and the stewardess mentions flotation devices and everyone looks at your girlfriend’s chest and whispers, “Well, she’ll ain’t drowning.”

4 You will almost never want to talk about her day at work
No guy ever wants to ask, “Hey Beautiful, what did you do at work today?” and hear “An entire football team.” That talk your girlfriend has about the bitchy girl in her office is annoying, certainly. But it probably can’t compare to hearing your porn star girlfriend talking about how she can’t see out of her right eye due to Johnny Sinz’s errant aim.

3 Shame
I said before that I personally don’t think of adult film stars as bad or sinful people. However, a lot of people you encounter on a day-to-day basis do. The stigma of having sex for a living is still a very touchy (no pun intended) subject. And by that, I mean, most people (guessing mostly female in nature) will judge your girlfriend adversely once they find out what she does for a living. She will probably be called a slut or a whore behind your/her back at most turns and when she is dressed for work… people will know what she does. They just will. Nobody dresses like that at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon.

Is it embarrassing? Well, that would be up to you. Some people wouldn’t let the situation affect them, but I’m guessing sometimes you’d feel a bit ashamed. Sure, sex is great and we live in liberated times, but if your lady’s number of sexual partners possibly numbers into the hundreds…well, sex is supposed to be a shared bond between two people (maybe three if you get her drunk enough). But, if you love this person and don’t care about anything else, then you aren’t worried about people staring and whispering when they see her. I congratulate you and can say without question that you are a better and more progressive man than I. Love conquers all. However, good luck telling Grandma what your lady did in her last project “Blondes Under the Big Top 4: Clowns on Patrol” during Thanksgiving dinner.

2 People are going to want pictures and autographs from her
This is probably going to be uncomfortable and borderline inappropriate. “Can I see your piercings?” and “Will you sign my ass?” and “Now, tell me this isn’t the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” will become the questions you will start to hear in your sleep.

1 She will have award shows and film openings that you will have to go to
Imagine a room filled to the brim with people from the adult film industry. Men and women of various shapes and color all coming together to celebrate their achievements in the film industry. You look around and maybe take a few laps with your lady. Now, when you meet guys from her past, you sometimes get “the look.” That look is basically a guy insinuating that he’s shared a bed with your girlfriend in a Biblical sense. It’s the worst look a guy can give another guy. Now, imagine the next 3 hours of your life, where you go up and shake someones hand and every time you do, you get that look. And remember, in this situation it’s not just men who give you that look. And while that fact is kinda sexy, I imagine that you would probably just drink heavily and try not to ask too many questions.

And then you realize that “the look” isn’t the worse thing that could happen to you tonight. You ask yourself, “I wonder how many of these people have slept with my girlfriend” and then an hour later you have that question is passionately answered on a 30 foot movie screen as a room full of people watch and cheer the screams of your one-and-only in the throws of passion with one or several strangers. Not a fun prospect.

Ah, who the hell cares!! You only go around once in this life, right? **

** That is not what she said.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

Holiday TV specials are a December staple. It’s the entire reason they made stop-motion claymation. Some specials simply play some old songs and throw a few reindeer, some elves and by the time Santa shows up, they call it a day. But some shows take Christmas a little further by writing and adding their own Christmas carols to already crowded repertoire of silver bells and sleigh rides. To some shows like “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” it’s a time to write songs that pull at your heartstrings and make you dig into your soul to find the deeper meaning of the holidays. For others like South Park, it’s a time to finally give fecal matter it’s time to both celebrate and disgust.

All these songs were written specifically for their TV specials and all have a special place in our hearts and holiday playlists. Some more than others…

9 ‘Patrick Swayze Christmas’ from ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000′

I dare you to find a better Christmas song written about the greatest actor in the film Point Break. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Leave it to one of the funniest shows in TV history to write the funniest, most absurd Christmas songs in history. It has everything–decorating barstools, Santa stealing moonshine, and Roadhouse. And it’s the only Christmas carol that has an action sequence! What a better way celebrate the memory of the beloved Patrick Swayze than to sing this song while decorating your barstools with Guyism’s own Bodhi Christmas ornaments…wait, what? We don’t have anyone to make ornaments? Well, folks, I hope someone get’s you a Ronald Regan Mask and a parachute for Christmas, cause it looks like your on your own.

8 ‘The Jolliest Fatman’ from ‘Laverne and Shirley’

This is an old one that is a bit before my time, but it’s still a classic. It’s from the show “Laverne and Shirley.” I’m guessing most of our readers are too young to remember this show, but Laverne directed the movie “Big.” Still too young to remember that? “A League of Their Own?” Still no? She directed a few episodes of “According to Jim.” Wait, you’re here, so you have taste, so you probably are like everyone else and have never seen that show…Well, I guess just try to enjoy a Christmas song about getting boozed up and passing out on someone’s lawn. Everyone likes that, right? Wrong. The neighbors don’t like that. Keep that in mind.

7 ‘Christmas Don’t Be Late’ from ‘A Chipmunk Christmas’

Oh man, now here’s another song that was a staple in many car rides to my Grandma’s house for Christmas. Loved the TV special and much to the chagrin of my parents, I also loved the album. How my family didn’t leave me in the cold, butter wilderness of Maryland’s western mountain range is beyond me. I mean seriously, the entire album sounds like a bunch of eunuchs trapped in a helium factory. I can’t imagine what that was like listen to this for hours and hours on end in a cramped car. Yes I can. I’m doing it right now. “Hurry Christmas, hurry fast…”

6 ‘You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch’ from ‘The Grinch That Stole Christmas’

You’re mean one, Mr. Grinch. Probably the best book based on a movie that I’ve ever read. Wait, was “Hunt for the Red October” a book? It’s a song that everyone who doesn’t like Christmas gets pinned with. The minute you say something like “Christmas is overrated” or “I hate shopping for your mother” or “I’m the one who set the Christmas tree on fire and I’m gonna do it again next year,” people start calling you “Grinch.” This has become a universal song for holiday curmudgeons and if there is one thing we know about spending time with our families, it’s that the holidays are about ostracizing those who aren’t filled with cheer and the spirit of giving. As in, “Stop calling me Grinch, I’m not a criminal…you’re giving me a complex, Grandma!”

5 ‘Christmas Time Is Here’ from ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas’

This song is the most depressing of all the Christmas songs ever written and performed. I personally love this song because I am in fact, the real life Charlie Brown. I’m always complaining about being depressed, my therapist always pulls the football out from under me when I try and kick it, I’m the constant cynic, and my head is twice the size of a regular person. This truly is a song for the bitter few who find Christmas to be a bit more depressing than jolly. You have to admit that it stirs up something in your heart and the more I hear it– it becomes is sadly comforting. Like the bottom of a whiskey bottle or a hooker you paid for with someone else’s money.

4 ‘Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo’ from ‘South Park’

Howdy Ho! The guys who made South Park really outdid themselves with this ditty. It was one of those times where you think, “oh these guys can’t get any worse” and then they come to you with a crooning bowel movement in a Santa hat. Bravo, good sirs. This is setting the bar…well, it’s setting the bar somewhere near the gutter, but honestly, when you are going to go blue, you might as well not even aim for the bowl.

3 ‘Holly Jolly Christmas’ from ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’

Sure, going from South Park to Burl Ives isn’t much of a segue, but not many people know that this song was written specifically for this classic Christmas special. I don’t need to say anything here because you know you already love this song.

2 & 1 ‘Christmas Today’ and ‘The Hanukkah Song’ from ‘Saturday Night Live’

And this is just proof that without Will Ferrell, SNL could trot all the actors they wanted out on stage at Christmas and all you would get was this…one of the most embarrassingly unfunny songs ever recorded.

And while his antics were juvenile and some people think his methods were a bit lowbrow, Mr. Sandler and his guitar coyly belt out what would become one of the greatest SNL segments of all-time.

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

With cars and airplanes and iPhones, it seems that the world we live in just keeps getting better and brighter (with the exception of a fledgling world economy, countries with less of a GNP than Apple, adult onset diabetes, cancer, US magazine, Swine Flu, etc.). But that’s not always the case when you really think about it. Sure, we don’t have to worry about the plague or invading Mongols, but sometimes I wish I did when compared to these tortuous modern activities.

7 Getting waited on at the Verizon store
Look, I know everybody has cell phones. I still can’t figure out how a company can have five stores in a three-mile radius and I still have to take a number and wait a half an hour before I can go through the long and complicated process of upgrading my phone without mysteriously having to update my current contract another seven years. I think you do it on purpose, Verizon.

That’s why while you’re taking your sweet time waiting on the blonde in the mini-skirt, I have gone around to every individual phone in your store set the alarms. The first five phones go off in increments of one minute. Then five minutes later another bank of phones go off in the same increments as the first group of phones. I leave the next bank with the alarms off to give you a false sense of security. And then two minutes later — all the alarms on the rest of the phones in the store go off at the same time.

6 Trying to leave the parking lot after a sporting event or concert
Is there anything more arduous and lawless than having than having to leave a professional sporting event race thousands of other people like out of a sports arena to a chilly car while crawling though hordes of ecstatic drunk people that you wish you were drunk as, but you’re too busy trying to escape the abyss of red lights and douchebags in Hummers cutting you off. And if you’re lucky enough to be driving a car full of people who are drunk and are screaming in your ear about going to Waffle House…this is why cabs were invented, guy. And don’t be afraid to make anyone walk home.

5 A little girl’s dance recital/piano recital/etc.
Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Oh, there’s a guy with a video camera waving at his daughter. There’s the overbearing mother giving very complicated hand signals to her four year-old; you know she’s tap dancing and not trying to land a Harrier jet on an aircraft carrier, right? Cue the crying baby and the restless 11 year-old boy to start kicking my seat… tap, tap, tap. Mild clapping. God, how many four year-old dance troupes are there in this city? Fast forward to four hours later to a bewildered parking lot full of smiling little girls in tutus holding bouquets of flowers while parents and siblings race for the car to escape the tap, tap, tapping. SOMEONE STOP THE HORRIBLE TAPPING!

4 A Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook Tour
This is why I don’t believe the United States really wants to torture its detained terror suspects. Water boarding is cake compared to what they could be doing to these prisoners. You want to fix the terrorism problem in the United States? Send Carlos Mencia and Dane Cook to do a comedy concert down at Guantanamo Bay. A dueling stage kind of thing, where you can’t escape the performance. An anti-comedy vortex of horror, if you will. All you can do is cringe as these two men wave their arms around and scream semi-racist jokes and unfunny observations for the next four hours. Then you release the prisoners and tell them to return to Afghanistan and tell them if they don’t give us Osama Bin Laden, we’re gonna parachute these two into Kabul and let them go Hope and Crosby all over your ass for the next five years. They go back. End of terrorism.

3 Going to the DMV
Everyone knows it’s the law to take the most surly and unfriendly people in the state and make them work for the DMV. Have you ever seen them smile in the DMV? Have you ever seen anyone in a DMV smile? Twenty one people in line and two people working and yep, that guys is taking that guy on his road test. Creepy guy that looks like he’s a Hell’s Angel or a roadie for White Snake–Check. Angry man swearing loud enough for everyone to hear him on his cell phone — Check. Girl crying because she failed her test and can’t get he license — Check and Check. Being as uncomfortable as possible in a confined room with these people for the next four hours will be fun. Yay, for mindless paperwork. Wait, it’s lunchtime, so tack on another hour and I will be at this damn place for the rest of time! Death, I await thy cold embrace…

2 Paint shopping
This falls into the “stupid things men do to impress women” category. Paint has a well-deserved poor reputation. Between shopping for it and watching it dry, you’d be more likely to have fun at your own funeral than you would dealing with paint.

1 Jagermeister hangover
Anybody that has had the good fortune of having a Jager hangover will need no more explanation than the thought, while those of you who have never dealt with the excitement of this feeling will no doubt be skeptical. Well, here is how it works. You get up to a throbbing head and your mouth has the taste of black licorice pasted to the inside of your mouth. Then you puke. Then you try and go back to sleep. Then you puke. Then you try and eat something. Then you puke. Then you see the empty bottle of Jagermeister. Puke. You try and watch TV, but get motion sickness. Puke. And this vicious cycle goes on for about three days. And when it’s done, you claim you’ll never drink the stuff ever again. Right…

Since we crank out so many stories each week some really good ones get lost in the cracks. And since so many new people visit Guyism every day (thank you), we thought we’d start taking some time on the weekends to share some classics that many of our newer readers may have missed.

I’m surprised I survived the 1980’s. I was small and fragile and looking back at the toys…I can’t believe that at some point someone didn’t need my dental records and an eyewitness account to identify me. I was young and naïve and bleeding a good portion of the time. Yeah, mostly bleeding. I had a daunting sense of adventure; made worse by the fact that I was armed with some of the most dangerous toys in the history of time.

“Helmets? We don’t need no stinking helmets!”

Actually, we probably did…

10 Pogo Balls

Now these toys may seem innocuous and fairly safe, but that was only if you used them correctly. I know of maybe 3 people who actually did. They were pretty boring if you didn’t find clever new ways to play with them. In a time of skateboards their were ramps and in the time of pogo balls there were roofs (more on this later). When friends weren’t trying to find the maximum height they could jump from in which these things would stay intact, they were using them indoors. That was where the danger really stemmed from. Pogo Balling was only fun if you had an obstacle course and limited space; only indoor Pogo Balling seemed challenging.

Talk about a bull in a china shop? More like Courtney Love at the Waterford Crystal factory after a bottle of Stoli and a handful of Xanax. You could go one, maybe two rounds before breaking something expensive (like a vase or an arm), so you had to make those runs count. And when you did, you often counted out allowance money afterwords to help pay for the damages. Stupid Pogo Balls…

9 Lawn Darts

The most boring game in the world was only made interesting by the fact that someone could possibly die from playing it. And in my day, there had already been some injuries with the game so the darts weren’t very sharp, but were still very solid, very metal and flying through the air willy-nilly over your head. It was like blindly lobbing greased-up hammers into the air with little disregard for where they landed; as children ran under them trying to catch them to keep you from getting your points. That said, I’m one of the lucky morons that decided throwing darts in the air just wasn’t as fun as it could be.

And why would it? You throw the dart up in the air and you have to wait literally 3’s of seconds for the dart to succumb to gravity and land (hopefully) near it’s intended target. This is not a fun way to play so we blatantly ignored the warnings on the box and played our way. An hour later, with a possible concussion, I tearfully explained to my cousin that I was no longer interested in Lawn Darts. That was the day I learned that it’s people like me that ruin the harmless fun of others by sometimes becoming a statistic for the lawyers to use.

8 BB Guns

You’ll shoot your eye out. Or someone else’s. Or the eye of a neighborhood cat. At the end of the day someone was going to be wearing an eye patch. I don’t know one person who had a B.B. gun that doesn’t have a story of getting injured by said gun. Mostly boys were armed with these and the thinking of a 10 year old boy is usually murky as best.

I remember we used to shoot each other with these things. This is where the situation would go terribly wrong; everyone was supposed to abide by the “one pump” rule when going Lee Harvey on their neighborhood friends, but that’s when over-thinking in the trenches of war ended up getting someone hurt. “One pump, but what if it doesn‘t get there? Two pumps is for pussies. Probably should go at least three unless this was made in Taiwan; wait, yep, made in Taiwan–that means probably add another two pumps.” And before you know it you’re at the emergency room and your buddy looks like Captain Ron.

7 Trampolines

I’ve seen a lot of dumb people get hurt in my day and most of the worst, most severe injuries came on this bouncy middle finger to gravity. Well, not necessarily on the trampoline, but mostly on the ground somewhere within a ten foot radius of said trampoline. Black eyes, arms that went in the complete wrong direction, various sprains, bruises and lots of lost blood. These things should be banned from use by anyone under the age of twenty one. The days I remember on them were as if Cirque Du Soleil had downed two bottles of Jack Daniels all got on the trampoline at once. Arms and legs flailing in all directions, while people shot of the thing in all directions like a landmine went off underneath us.

And remember the Pogo Ball I talked about before? I once saw a buddy get on a Pogo Ball on top of the shed in his backyard, then jump off the shed onto the trampoline–sending him wildly careening 15 feet into the corner of a backyard where he miraculously landed the Pogo Ball on a pile of rocks where it then exploded in way that would have made the Manhattan Project jealous. My knees still hurt from watching that. I’ve seen less buckle on the waists of rodeo champions. Kids today don’t know anything about the type of reckless ingenuity it takes to really get a doctor to raise his eyebrows when you tell him the story of how you got your injury these days.

6 Big Wheels

I was the Evel Knievel of Big Wheel riders in my neighborhood. And by that I mean I never backed down from a jump (no matter how bone shatteringly stupid it was). And I carried a gun. You know, because of ruffians and the roving bands of 18th century Spaniards that were always brandishing swords and causing trouble in the cul-de-sac. Alas, that is a whole other story.

The Big Wheel was the safety bar set by your parents and the people at the Darwin Awards to see when a young man or woman was mature enough to handle riding a bicycle. I had a big wheel till I was 14. And boy did I go through them. I must have had 10 different big wheels because of controlled slides, curb jumping, ramp jumping, racing on grass, asphalt and once tried to jump a creek at the bottom of a huge hill near my neighborhood. It was my Snake River Canyon. And it also heeded the same results. There was blood, crashing, rocks and to add insult to various injury, I ended up soaking wet. I’m pretty sure most people reading this who lived in the 80’s have a similar story. Or maybe I’m just “that guy.”

5 Scooters

See, I rode bikes a lot, but never suffered severe injuries from them until I got to 15 or so. But, I had a scooter when I was like 8 or 9 and I’ve never had a toy that seemed to always have such a complexly different agenda than I did. Later on I would discover “girlfriends” and the circle would be complete, but scooters were my first foray into learning that gravity and inertia would never want to do what I thought we were going to be doing that day.

I was the Carl Lewis of scooter riders. I flew over the handle bars with the grace and speed of someone twice my size. My friends didn’t have scooters, so they rode mine. They also knew the pain of having the front tire stop and the back tire swing around to clock you in the back of the head at 15 mph. At one point, we just all agreed to leave this thing alone. I mean, we ALWAYS got hurt riding it. It gave you the thrill of skateboarding mixed with the false sense of security a bike gives you. It was dark red and we referred to it as the “devil scooter.” The brakes on the thing lasted like 2 weeks, tops. And when the tires finally went flat, we left them that way. Like an alcoholic Step-Daddy, we didn’t want it hurting anyone else.

4 Skateboards

Even attempting to stand on a skateboard can lead a child with a poor equilibrium to a serious concussion. Let alone attempting anything more advanced.

Need I say more?

3 Giant Styrofoam Airplanes

You’d have to be the Werner Von Braun of Styrofoam aeronautics to get these damn things to fly more than 10 feet. Or move to a place with a wind tunnel.

That or you’d have to climb up on the roof of your house and get a running start. I did the latter and that was why these things were massively dangerous. Airplanes gave me my first taste of the fickle pain in the ass that was gravity, wind direction, and gave me a wicked fear of heights.

2 Sit and Spin

The only thing more dangerous than Dean Martin’s “All-Liquid Diet” is ol’ Deano’s equilibrium. But that’s exactly what a child experiences when they sit and take this horrible idea for a spin. It’s a personalized merry-go-round with all of the fun side effects: vomiting, insane dizziness, vertigo, massive head trama and more vomiting.

Who thought this was a good idea to give this to children? Who likes feeling like this? Just because I’m “10,” doesn’t mean I want to feel like Dudley Moore on a bender.

1 Sleds

Anyone else have to read that book “Ethan Frome”? Where the main character and his lover get on a sled and slam head-first into a tree in an attempt to end their lives? Welcome to every winter of my life since I was 5 years old. I’ve been gearing up and the sled and slamming head-first into trees every winter just at the off-chance that I’ll forget ever reading that book. So far, no dice.

Sledding is one of the activities that often flies under the radar of the dangerous children’s activities. Because snow is soft; until you’re falling recklessly into it froma ten foot ramp you and your buddies built. Or maybe, let’s say the roof of a neighbor or other snow enthusiast, such as yourself. And throw in the possibility of concussions, frostbite and the fact that you may very well slide into an oncoming Ford Taurus; sledding is often a recipe for an exciting screeching disaster.