The Job: Phone Sex Operator

Oh, God.

Imagine calling up one of those 1-900 numbers and being met by the voice of Whoopi Goldberg, saying filthy and profane things into your ear. Seriously, think about it right now. And then take ten minutes to cry and scrub your brain with bleach. I would say more but I’m pretty sure talking about this is considered a violation of the Geneva Convention so let’s just move on.


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The Job: Camp Counselor

Yeah yeah yeah, “camp counselor” isn’t by itself a weird job but just imagine the dude in that picture as your son or daughter’s counselor and I think you’ll be changing your tune. Yes, before he was famous Dennis Rodman worked for a summer as a camp counselor for the Boy’s Club of Memphis because that’s just what a troubled young dude needs is Dennis freakin’ Rodman mentoring him. Somewhere in the Memphis area there is a dude walking around in high heels and a feather boa, wondering where it all went wrong. Hell, not even having phone sex with Whoopi Goldberg would have screwed that dude up as much as being shown the facts of life by Dennis Rodman. Okay fine, maybe not, but still, those poor kids never had a chance.


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The Job: Bodyguard for Howard Hughes

This one is weird because it’s just so random. First of all, who would ever suspect that old ass Wilford Brimley, most famous for having the ‘Beetus and for looking like a sad walrus, was once badass enough to have worked as a bodyguard? And second, as a bodyguard for Howard Hughes of all people. Really? Then again, I guess Howard needed a trustworthy bodyguard like Hallmark Channel Hall of Famer Wilford Brimley to guard him against all those jars of piss and fingernail clippings that he probably thought were out to get him. Seriously, this one’s just too weird. I don’t even know what else to say about it. I mean, it’s Wilford Brimley guarding Howard Hughes. Come on.


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The Job: Set Dresser for Porn

Once upon a time Don Draper was little more than a gofer on the set of pornos. He was basically Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Boogie Nights, making sure that props were in the right place and all of the boring shit that nobody thinks about when they’ve got their pants around their ankles and their hands around their… well, you get the idea. No word on whether he once tried to kiss Dirk Diggler though, but then again, who knows? Not only is the job of set dresser for porn impressively weird all on its own, the idea that this is what Don Draper of all people once did just to get by makes it really, really weird. I could see Roger Sterling doing something like this – probably just for fun – but Don? No way. Then again, Don Draper is a man with a mysterious and sometimes embarrassing past so… maybe? Still, try to picture Jon Hamm, dressed as Don Draper being ordered around a porn set like Scotty in Boogie Nights and try not to laugh. Then again, for all you degenerates out there, wading through a haze of semen and silicone just trying to earn a buck, I guess this just goes to show that there’s hope for you in the end. After all, that’s what we’re all about here at Guyism: inspiration. Oh, and dick jokes. And boobs. And beer. But most of all, inspiration. You’re welcome, degenerates. You’re welcome.


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